Snarky Tumor
Monday, ? ember 3, 2007
name="7322419808986371620">? p;head ? he clouds
Agent Ascher looke? me from the oth? ide ? ? able? />
"Your name ? eall? ? Claude Raines?" he said fin? , a ? tical look on his face.
He leaned forward. ? don?? />
He g? ed d? fully. "Sounds appropriate, given the nature of..." ? ighed de? . "...wh? ? he hell ? is." Th? he l? went on. "Hey," he said, smilin? ookedly, "Cloud rains?"
I nodded.
He chuckled, the? oaned. "Great," he muttered,? tling back in his chair. "A nut.? />
"Look, I'm serious," I said. "Do you mind if I smoke?"
He shrugged and nudged the small ? ? htray toward me.
I hesitated, my pack of Marlboro Lights halfway out of my shirt pocket. "Really?? houg? moki? asn't allowed in? s."
"? e the govern? ," Ascher said. "Nobody's going to cite
"I know ? it sounds like," he said ab? ly. "I have ? file here. Let's take a? it, sha? e?" He f? ? he f? ? er open with? uick, sa? tic ? ure, and looked ? ? ingle sheet. "Ra? , Claude--oops, pardon me, '? d.' Clai? o be a mass-murd? in ? ree covering? states.? der ? on of choice: tornadoes." He looked up at me again. "I'm summarizing quite a? ? t do? hat ? t coit?"
I cleare? ? oat. "More or less. Or it might be more like accidental homicide? criminal negligence."
He nodded.? re. Why not? It'? ch a clear-cut case, I c? imagine? the local badges di? pick yo? ? ? ."
I took a deep,? ? drag. "Look, sa? ? gonna help. I'm ? ? hrilled to find a govern? age? hat has a sense of h? ? t all that aside, please? st me when I? that I'm telling th? uth!? />
He sighed. "I assume you're referri? o all th? ? over the last f? ? ?" I nodded, and he shook his head. ? ten, I'm? e you feel b? all the people who died? t why in the? ? ould? thi? ? e responsible fo? ?"
"I can control the wea? ," I said.
He rolled his ? and sto? p. "? is a waste of my time, Raines," he said. "Y? e a ? ? ? uggestible, I think.? hink? r mo? ? t had a ? y sense of h? and? riblste in movies. Get over it. Go home. This in? iew is over.? />
"No, wait,"? aid.? st listen, okay?? don't have to believe me, but at least I'll feel be? knowing that I told? and tri? o ta? esponsib? y for what I've done. Please."
He looked at me doubtf? . "Y? eally do feel responsible, d? ? ?" I nodded, and he sighed a? ettled back into? chair again, waving? hand. "Shoot."
I took anothe? ag on the cigarette and flicked ? ot o? h of? arm. "I? arted a few ? s ago, I guess. I was living in ? ida ? ? ime.? emember ? ing ? t th? rric? t year--I think ? ina was one ? hem.? />
He nodded. "2005."
"Right. And I? ? ting in the break room at work, watching the? s. I remember thinking a? ? badly I wanted to make sure none of tho? torm? er h? ? art of Flori? here I lived, and about ? to ? ent ? from happening. I h? ead some? e that hurricanes needed? m water--they'd lose the? trength othe? e. And I? to thinking abo? he Gulf of Mexico and how the red tide h? omehow indicated that the water was ? ? arm.? />
infectAscher scoffed. "Coincidence.? />
I nodded. "I thought so too. Until the ? ? ? hat. I did i? ery time I heard a hurricane? coming, and they al? ? sed, going off i? range di? ? . And the year a? that..." I trailed off. Ascher looked bored. "In a ? hell, I decided ? ? ? hing? ? ? hing that di? ? olve cooling the? er. ? year, a hig? ? ? arm front parked? elf ? the state for months. There? e loads of o? fronts coming in, b? hey ? bei? ushe? oundd we had hug? ? that year. But no hurricanes. They ? heading? ? ico ? ead.
"The state had been in a pretty severe drought for a? years at th? ime. The? ere wildfire? the beginning of th? ummer. Those storms broke th? ought and ke? ? tate cool enough that power demand hit an all-time low."? hrugged. "Then I? nd o? ? outh? ? ? ing up and hitti? ? d te? ? es, while the Mi? t wa? owni? ? some major floods."
Ascher cocked his head. "So?? />
"So I decid? ? art fooling ? nd a? tle bit.? ect some of ? Mid? ern ? her ? her ? , and weaken the hig? ? re f? r Florida. That was the ? Johann hit.? sive pro? y damage? t no? es lost--which made me feel a little? ? ter,? houg? fucked up our i? ance? es. ? he following year, I tri? ? range th? so ? the? as n? rricane risk to the ? ed State? hile? uring that e? region got its water and more m? ? her. Unf? nately, ? ? up a little..."? ighed. "I'm not sure what to cal? . A crinkle? Yeah. A crinkle in the ? ? ? over the ea? n seaboard, and boom--tornadoes.? hundred? es lost, billions in pro? y damage, and all of it my f? ."
"? s," I said. "Fine. What the fuck ever," and ? ood up, rubbing my eyes.? ook a last drag on my cigarette and stubbed it out. Then an idea came.
"Okay.? abo? his?" I held my hand? in ? ? iating g? re. "If ? ? in the ? two weeks, you'll know I'm telling the ? h and th? ? houl? ? me.? />
Ascher look? hocked, then? ghed. "In the middle of ? st? Sure, why not?" ? tuck? ? hand. "? a deal.? />
---
The phone rang. I pi it up and answered befo? he f? ring had faded ? ? />
"Hello, Agent Ascher."
There? a long ? e. Then: "Come in this a? noon, please? o o'clock."
Click.
--? />
"Can yo? ? his off?" he asked, looking miserabl? ? ka.
I smiled. "Give me a week."
"You c? ? t...make the clouds clea? ? ? ? ?"
I sighed. ? t be? ? ? ? inX-Men doesn't make ? rue.? />
Ascher looked at me, hi? es needle-sharp. "Sa? he m? ho claims to manipulate the ? her.? />
He sighed. ? ? it nece? y to bring on a powe? tager />
I ? gged. "L? cal? collateral damage, a sort of unintended, unforeseen con? ence of all the meddling."
"Droll," he said. Then? face took on a much? e se? ? ? . "Like ? e tornadoes.? />
"I woul? call those ? ? droll,"? aid. "Th? ere ? ty mean." I sighed a? ettled back in my chair. "What happens now?"
He looke? t the wi? ? a long time. "You know," he said finally, "I can't arre? ou." He looked back at me and went on, "? e's ? roof, you see." When I jabbe? finger ? ? indow, at the blizzard coming down outside, ? hook? d and said, "I'm? ry, but ? e's no case here. No? ? ld convi? ou of co? ting? der by m? of an act of God."
"I'm not God," I insisted? />
Ascher scoffed. "That much is a? ent." He leaned back in his chair. "? uggestion? Go home and f? ? t how you can ma? ome money of this."
"Money?"
"Hell yeah," ? aid. "Rememb? he 2008 Olym? ? The Ch? e would have paid yo? pan style="font-style: italic;">bill? ? an> for a few clear ? ." Then he looke? tside again and ? ? ? ? ? er around himself. "I'd suggest you practice a little bi? hough."---
I chuckled to myself a? hook my head. The helico? ? ? blades were too? d to talk and plan, so I? spending th? o-hour fligh? t of Nairobi wanderi? ? gh my memories. Ascher had become a different kind of agent, one who didn't work? h the govern? al acronym, rath? ith the broa? t television? e. I had made hi? uckl? of money those few ? s we had? ked toge? , doing TV appearances and book sign? and pro? ional weather ma? lation.
My list of ac? lish? s was no? ite long. Modified hurricane? ? y in the Atlantic, e? ing minimal ? ? damage and ? of life, while maintaining the ? ective effect that cooled the ocean and negated the impact of global? ming and? uring that n? ? etlands and ? ? ? s were b? up again. A con? ous ? ? ? h severa? ltinational ? ping concerns to? ure clear weather for their ? s. Same with quite a? ? lines. The few h? of ? e who got married while in office these ? bro? in some? ra m? on the side, while the ? th o? ly brought in a huge amount of extra? h.
I had since se? he l? of ? uism, an? ? abandoned me when I took a ? ? ively ti? ? y wi? he United Nations to hele po? folks of the world. Bangladesh no longer flooded and India got the wate? needed to grow thei? ops. In the meantime, polar ice was bein? eadi? eplenished, and ? ralia's ? ? ? e far in the? t.
We touched down in a ? village, ho? made of sticks and ? ? ? in. ? ble? ? here? st ? ywhere, a vast, ? letely flat of orange-ta? ? hat met the brilliant bl? ky, which was comple? free of clouds.
I had been asked? ? the UN ? ? hat I could do a? modifyi? he local wea? . I ? ped out ? he helicopter and walked? a half-? ? ? ? ice, Johann,? used to this and re? red the ? epre? ? e and in? reter on that count.
Soon, there was nobody around. Just me a? ? ind and the sun. I close? eyes an? eathed deepl? melling the wind, and allowing myself to? e with it. I spent nearly an? r tasting the local air ? ? and und? anding i? lace in the larger context. I so? ? hat ? ? e a usef? lace to ? some en? and moi? ? ? he Indian Ocean ? , and began the walk back to the village? />
As ? proached, the UN? rese? ive, Andra Fang, walked ? o me? />
"Can you do? thing about ? area?" she asked.
I sighed and nodded. I beckoned Johann over and motioned at his ta? , indicating that he should begi? anscribing f? ? ? t to the UN Mini? ? ? iron? al Concerns. The? ? ? wandere? er, and ? oduced me to the village king, D? o.
"F? ? ers," I said? ? ing against the sunl? , "Frank is scheduled to? s through the Indian Ocen a week or two. I c? pin off a smaller ancillary ? m an? e the local ? ? and hea? change mechanisms to? it movi? p to? elf-? aining loop. And then, in about six ? hs, it m? be a good idea ? ? scheduling some seeding overfli? ."
"How large an area?" Fang said? />need
She needed a mo? to catch he? eath. "What ? ou need?? />
Fang gaped. "Severa? pan style="font-style: italic;">ionI? ugged. "Timi? ? ? t there you go."
"Can? ou just ? up ? her ? icane?"
Good God.? re, I could. As long as California doesn't mind losi? ? ? er f? he next ? ? ? ? rice of ? able climate? . Fang."
She cleared her throat and nodded. "We can d? . What else?? />
"After the seeding flights have done their job and the seeds have h? ime ? ? t and an? the? soil and? e ensured a stable, ? istent local? tem, we can ? ? ingi? eople back. You'll need a lot of tea? s."
D? o in? upted, a? he i? ? ? aid, "Ters? We need ? eachers. We have? med ? land for thousands ? ? ."
I cocked a? ebro? him and said sa? tically,? eading my hands, "And lo? hat a fa? tic job you've done.? />
"Don't tran? e that!" Fang sa? ? ly. She turn? o me. "Watch? r mouth, Raines.? ten, tea? s for wh
I sighed. "S? . You'll need teache? o sh? hese people how to establish a mubenpos ? ? h their environment, sel? staining ecoi th? ork ? reserve the land while getti? he most out of it. O? wise, the sa? hing will happen in ? her few hundred ? s." Fang looked ? ? t Johann? d to my verb? ? hand. A ? ? -beneficial positive-feedback lo? ould? ure ? ainable living in ecological communi? , which were shorten? o "ecoi.? />
Her ? h gaped , about to object to? esum? , so? iddling nit.? ical? eaucrat. I hated those damn things. I wished a l? ning bolt would strike her dead.
It did.
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? an>
"Your name ? eall? ? Claude Raines?" he said fin? , a ? tical look on his face.
He leaned forward. ? don?? />
He g? ed d? fully. "Sounds appropriate, given the nature of..." ? ighed de? . "...wh? ? he hell ? is." Th? he l? went on. "Hey," he said, smilin? ookedly, "Cloud rains?"
I nodded.
He chuckled, the? oaned. "Great," he muttered,? tling back in his chair. "A nut.? />
"Look, I'm serious," I said. "Do you mind if I smoke?"
He shrugged and nudged the small ? ? htray toward me.
I hesitated, my pack of Marlboro Lights halfway out of my shirt pocket. "Really?? houg? moki? asn't allowed in? s."
"? e the govern? ," Ascher said. "Nobody's going to cite
"I know ? it sounds like," he said ab? ly. "I have ? file here. Let's take a? it, sha? e?" He f? ? he f? ? er open with? uick, sa? tic ? ure, and looked ? ? ingle sheet. "Ra? , Claude--oops, pardon me, '? d.' Clai? o be a mass-murd? in ? ree covering? states.? der ? on of choice: tornadoes." He looked up at me again. "I'm summarizing quite a? ? t do? hat ? t coit?"
I cleare? ? oat. "More or less. Or it might be more like accidental homicide? criminal negligence."
He nodded.? re. Why not? It'? ch a clear-cut case, I c? imagine? the local badges di? pick yo? ? ? ."
I took a deep,? ? drag. "Look, sa? ? gonna help. I'm ? ? hrilled to find a govern? age? hat has a sense of h? ? t all that aside, please? st me when I? that I'm telling th? uth!? />
He sighed. "I assume you're referri? o all th? ? over the last f? ? ?" I nodded, and he shook his head. ? ten, I'm? e you feel b? all the people who died? t why in the? ? ould? thi? ? e responsible fo? ?"
"I can control the wea? ," I said.
He rolled his ? and sto? p. "? is a waste of my time, Raines," he said. "Y? e a ? ? ? uggestible, I think.? hink? r mo? ? t had a ? y sense of h? and? riblste in movies. Get over it. Go home. This in? iew is over.? />
"No, wait,"? aid.? st listen, okay?? don't have to believe me, but at least I'll feel be? knowing that I told? and tri? o ta? esponsib? y for what I've done. Please."
He looked at me doubtf? . "Y? eally do feel responsible, d? ? ?" I nodded, and he sighed a? ettled back into? chair again, waving? hand. "Shoot."
I took anothe? ag on the cigarette and flicked ? ot o? h of? arm. "I? arted a few ? s ago, I guess. I was living in ? ida ? ? ime.? emember ? ing ? t th? rric? t year--I think ? ina was one ? hem.? />
He nodded. "2005."
"Right. And I? ? ting in the break room at work, watching the? s. I remember thinking a? ? badly I wanted to make sure none of tho? torm? er h? ? art of Flori? here I lived, and about ? to ? ent ? from happening. I h? ead some? e that hurricanes needed? m water--they'd lose the? trength othe? e. And I? to thinking abo? he Gulf of Mexico and how the red tide h? omehow indicated that the water was ? ? arm.? />
infectAscher scoffed. "Coincidence.? />
I nodded. "I thought so too. Until the ? ? ? hat. I did i? ery time I heard a hurricane? coming, and they al? ? sed, going off i? range di? ? . And the year a? that..." I trailed off. Ascher looked bored. "In a ? hell, I decided ? ? ? hing? ? ? hing that di? ? olve cooling the? er. ? year, a hig? ? ? arm front parked? elf ? the state for months. There? e loads of o? fronts coming in, b? hey ? bei? ushe? oundd we had hug? ? that year. But no hurricanes. They ? heading? ? ico ? ead.
"The state had been in a pretty severe drought for a? years at th? ime. The? ere wildfire? the beginning of th? ummer. Those storms broke th? ought and ke? ? tate cool enough that power demand hit an all-time low."? hrugged. "Then I? nd o? ? outh? ? ? ing up and hitti? ? d te? ? es, while the Mi? t wa? owni? ? some major floods."
Ascher cocked his head. "So?? />
"So I decid? ? art fooling ? nd a? tle bit.? ect some of ? Mid? ern ? her ? her ? , and weaken the hig? ? re f? r Florida. That was the ? Johann hit.? sive pro? y damage? t no? es lost--which made me feel a little? ? ter,? houg? fucked up our i? ance? es. ? he following year, I tri? ? range th? so ? the? as n? rricane risk to the ? ed State? hile? uring that e? region got its water and more m? ? her. Unf? nately, ? ? up a little..."? ighed. "I'm not sure what to cal? . A crinkle? Yeah. A crinkle in the ? ? ? over the ea? n seaboard, and boom--tornadoes.? hundred? es lost, billions in pro? y damage, and all of it my f? ."
"? s," I said. "Fine. What the fuck ever," and ? ood up, rubbing my eyes.? ook a last drag on my cigarette and stubbed it out. Then an idea came.
"Okay.? abo? his?" I held my hand? in ? ? iating g? re. "If ? ? in the ? two weeks, you'll know I'm telling the ? h and th? ? houl? ? me.? />
Ascher look? hocked, then? ghed. "In the middle of ? st? Sure, why not?" ? tuck? ? hand. "? a deal.? />
---
The phone rang. I pi it up and answered befo? he f? ring had faded ? ? />
"Hello, Agent Ascher."
There? a long ? e. Then: "Come in this a? noon, please? o o'clock."
--? />
"Can yo? ? his off?" he asked, looking miserabl? ? ka.
I smiled. "Give me a week."
"You c? ? t...make the clouds clea? ? ? ? ?"
I sighed. ? t be? ? ? ? in
Ascher looked at me, hi? es needle-sharp. "Sa? he m? ho claims to manipulate the ? her.? />
He sighed. ? ? it nece? y to bring on a powe? tager />
I ? gged. "L? cal? collateral damage, a sort of unintended, unforeseen con? ence of all the meddling."
"Droll," he said. Then? face took on a much? e se? ? ? . "Like ? e tornadoes.? />
"I woul? call those ? ? droll,"? aid. "Th? ere ? ty mean." I sighed a? ettled back in my chair. "What happens now?"
He looke? t the wi? ? a long time. "You know," he said finally, "I can't arre? ou." He looked back at me and went on, "? e's ? roof, you see." When I jabbe? finger ? ? indow, at the blizzard coming down outside, ? hook? d and said, "I'm? ry, but ? e's no case here. No? ? ld convi? ou of co? ting? der by m? of an act of God."
"I'm not God," I insisted? />
Ascher scoffed. "That much is a? ent." He leaned back in his chair. "? uggestion? Go home and f? ? t how you can ma? ome money of this."
"Money?"
"Hell yeah," ? aid. "Rememb? he 2008 Olym? ? The Ch? e would have paid yo? pan style="font-style: italic;">bill? ? an> for a few clear ? ." Then he looke? tside again and ? ? ? ? ? er around himself. "I'd suggest you practice a little bi? hough."---
I chuckled to myself a? hook my head. The helico? ? ? blades were too? d to talk and plan, so I? spending th? o-hour fligh? t of Nairobi wanderi? ? gh my memories. Ascher had become a different kind of agent, one who didn't work? h the govern? al acronym, rath? ith the broa? t television? e. I had made hi? uckl? of money those few ? s we had? ked toge? , doing TV appearances and book sign? and pro? ional weather ma? lation.
My list of ac? lish? s was no? ite long. Modified hurricane? ? y in the Atlantic, e? ing minimal ? ? damage and ? of life, while maintaining the ? ective effect that cooled the ocean and negated the impact of global? ming and? uring that n? ? etlands and ? ? ? s were b? up again. A con? ous ? ? ? h severa? ltinational ? ping concerns to? ure clear weather for their ? s. Same with quite a? ? lines. The few h? of ? e who got married while in office these ? bro? in some? ra m? on the side, while the ? th o? ly brought in a huge amount of extra? h.
I had since se? he l? of ? uism, an? ? abandoned me when I took a ? ? ively ti? ? y wi? he United Nations to hele po? folks of the world. Bangladesh no longer flooded and India got the wate? needed to grow thei? ops. In the meantime, polar ice was bein? eadi? eplenished, and ? ralia's ? ? ? e far in the? t.
We touched down in a ? village, ho? made of sticks and ? ? ? in. ? ble? ? here? st
I had been asked? ? the UN ? ? hat I could do a? modifyi? he local wea? . I ? ped out ? he helicopter and walked? a half-? ? ? ? ice, Johann,? used to this and re? red the ? epre? ? e and in? reter on that count.
Soon, there was nobody around. Just me a? ? ind and the sun. I close? eyes an? eathed deepl? melling the wind, and allowing myself to? e with it. I spent nearly an? r tasting the local air ? ? and und? anding i? lace in the larger context. I so? ? hat ? ? e a usef? lace to ? some en? and moi? ? ? he Indian Ocean ? , and began the walk back to the village? />
As ? proached, the UN? rese? ive, Andra Fang, walked ? o me? />
"Can you do? thing about ? area?" she asked.
I sighed and nodded. I beckoned Johann over and motioned at his ta? , indicating that he should begi? anscribing f? ? ? t to the UN Mini? ? ? iron? al Concerns. The? ? ? wandere? er, and ? oduced me to the village king, D? o.
"F? ? ers," I said? ? ing against the sunl? , "Frank is scheduled to? s through the Indian Ocen a week or two. I c? pin off a smaller ancillary ? m an? e the local ? ? and hea? change mechanisms to? it movi? p to? elf-? aining loop. And then, in about six ? hs, it m? be a good idea ? ? scheduling some seeding overfli? ."
"How large an area?" Fang said? />need
She needed a mo? to catch he? eath. "What ? ou need?? />
Fang gaped. "Severa? pan style="font-style: italic;">ionI? ugged. "Timi? ? ? t there you go."
"Can? ou just ? up ? her ? icane?"
Good God.? re, I could. As long as California doesn't mind losi? ? ? er f? he next ? ? ? ? rice of ? able climate? . Fang."
She cleared her throat and nodded. "We can d? . What else?? />
"After the seeding flights have done their job and the seeds have h? ime ? ? t and an? the? soil and? e ensured a stable, ? istent local? tem, we can ? ? ingi? eople back. You'll need a lot of tea? s."
D? o in? upted, a? he i? ? ? aid, "Ters? We need ? eachers. We have? med ? land for thousands ? ? ."
I cocked a? ebro? him and said sa? tically,? eading my hands, "And lo? hat a fa? tic job you've done.? />
"Don't tran? e that!" Fang sa? ? ly. She turn? o me. "Watch? r mouth, Raines.? ten, tea? s for wh
I sighed. "S? . You'll need teache? o sh? hese people how to establish a mubenpos ? ? h their environment, sel? staining ecoi th? ork ? reserve the land while getti? he most out of it. O? wise, the sa? hing will happen in ? her few hundred ? s." Fang looked ? ? t Johann? d to my verb? ? hand. A ? ? -beneficial positive-feedback lo? ould? ure ? ainable living in ecological communi? , which were shorten? o "ecoi.? />
Her ? h gaped , about to object to? esum? , so? iddling nit.? ical? eaucrat. I hated those damn things. I wished a l? ning bolt would strike her dead.
It did.
La? : associate ascher
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