Sn? Tumor
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
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S? day, Feb? y 28, 2009
when a bell rings
The Li? aren't ? ? behind me now.
I? ? ? re I? he only normal guy left. The? t took care ? ? elves in fairly rapi? der. Unf? nate. I coul? e a ? le b? ? ? ra f? ? ? />
I'm hol? p in a groce? tore. There's pl? of cann? tuff? e. The meat ? n't even make me gag? more. Can't clea? up ? ut i? tside. Any little thing ? cha? , the Li? ? ice. That's ? ; like I said, I? sed to it. Even the cat food, which I ea? ery other me? o th? tuff? ts longer. It's fiber an? otein.
Th? hole thing just sucks. It's not like I'm? rounded ? hem,? the? avel in pack? he fuckers. I don't ? wha? is ? t the little ones, but a? ently if? don't mind,? 're ? ty far gone.
I mean, who the hell? ld have ? ght, really? I mean, really.
? . Hang on.
Okay. ? ght I heard something, but I don? hink it was ? hing to ? y about for the time being. ? ? ? like to announce their ? ence, an? . They did back ? he gym.
J? , th? m. I? ? to think about ? oo much. Still, ? might be only complete ? thand account uncovered by .? ell, hell if I know.? ure ? le? Aliens? Uh ...
No, we're ? ? horoughl? cked. Th? okay. I? ? ? ? hing to talk to ? ay, something th? ? goi? ? y to? ? kill me. Not li? hat ? ened at the gym.
Let's see. There? e ... teaybe fifteen of us hidin? t there, in the women's lock? oom. We had a little cache of food, a fe? ns, plenty of water coming from the ? ers ? ? tili? hadn't fail? et. Three weeks ? ere ? here, hoping tha? ? ? , the Li? ? ld overlook us and move on.
Well, that di? ? pen. The? a couple of younger ? ? ? , maybe ? teen or ? teen years old, and a few girls their age. That was a mistake, I think, but,? kno? here? e could we have gone? ? inevitable, I g? . Wh? ? e a boy ? hat age and you're coope? ? h a girl? r age for three weeks in? ingle room and no way to avoid her, ? as bound to ? en, ? ess.
We found the? st one, ? ? ? ed open with some plasti? om an old de? ant stick, in the sh? one? ning. Th? ucked, b? se, you ? , he? a body. What do we ? ith it? Can'? rn i? e're? ck inside wi? he fire. Can't bury it, ? e in a locker ro? ith a tile f? and con? e under ? . Can't seal it up b? se none ? s were actually toting any coffins around. We figured we had to ? n to? e with it.
So we had two bodies in an enclosed environment wi? ero way out and ? ? t kept getti? ? ? ? pretty ? s. Then the girls both offed themselves, about a week after the second boy. ? s how -- no mark on either of them.
So four bodie? ? hower's ? ing full, the air's ? ing ? ? hick, and this fucking bitch -- ? y, I? till? sed at her -- finall? ? a few days after the girls go, and while we're all asleep, ? he dead of n? , sh? ? the door leading to the poo? tside the lo? room, and d? all? r kids o? here. Cl? up the trail of clotted blood and i? ds and melti? kin.? hes up in the sh? . Goes back ? ? . The ki? ot on the concre? ? the stars a? ? ? hen ? ? ? />
We get up in the morning, it's ? cking miracle. A? mells be? , a ? le more like? BO than, like, dead people.? alk into the shower to check on the ? ses, and? ? ? ? ise, praise ? ? hey'? ? hed. I know righ? ? ho did i? he'd been bitching endle? sin? he f? ? pse began to? t.
She copped to it a? we broke both her arms,? we didn't have ? ? ime to do more, because ? ? ? ose such a c? er. The bitch di? even ditch the bodies in the po? o they looked li? hey ? ned; she? t le? hem righ? tsid? r door. Like that Bible ? y where all the ? ? ns got killed be? e th? ? ? 's blood on the front door or something.
? e was pounding a? elling.
Ward someone yelling, "Oh, little mice!" Like the? ? ? ghing. "Come? ! Come out! We g? ome cheeeese? ya!" I still remember h? ? oice? nded, li? he g? as just having a grand o? ime.
Then the? ? his ungodly clanging noise, which I foun? t later was a sheet of c? gated metal ? he L? s had found some? e. A? hen ? ee, the lock? oom has one wall facing ? ? t Bo? ard, ano? along Gayle? eet. A car came right through where ? e walls touched each other. Took? ? ? eople. It backed? and the? stalled? ? ? ough? t the Li? sti? oured in? />
I g? ix of th? ith the Glocnoth? ? ith the ? gun. The? t of the? st g? issed. S? o three in our f? , and we still lost. That's how ? they were. ? of us got o? ? ? he hole,? the Lifers didn't give a shit, ? e we? till two of us left.? ny f? . An? , when one of th? ried to get ? op of me, I got him wth a knife I had in my ? ? ? liced hi? ? ? open. The o? two went for the girl, I got one of the? t th? her one got her before I? ld g? o him.
So? e I am, two hundred and seventy miles later. The roads a? iled? h dead kittens a? uppies. Mountains of them. It was bad enough whe? eryo? ? tillund,? sin? e di? ered the Kinsey Effect, whic? what I call it,? ? ? ex guy, ? like the Li? ? t went nuts.
? a joke. It was, at ? t, on the Internet. "Eve? ime you ? urbate, God kills a ? en."? ery time? ? turbate, God kills a? py."
? like the Garden of Eden. Yon't do a? rong -- until you know better. A? hen you ? ? ter,? 're fucked, because then? 're guilty e? time. Regul? eople -- yea? hey coul? tak? . Kittens an? ppie? hey're cute,? know? Innocent.? ry. And when the Kinsey Effe? as discovere? hings got wa? t of hand.
We're prim? ? ill.? urges and e? thing, and C? t knows the majo? of us c? kee? r hands off our own geni? . So all the people who loved little baby animals offed them? es. All the ? ? ho got off on killing little baby animals though? ? great and did i? en more.
? hat's left? Murdering, o? exed? ? ? . Dead baby animals. Good, decent people dea? their own h? ? />
The? a car coming. Engli? ? ving real loud. ? ldn't have cleaned o? ? ? ? ection.
It was all a joke? />
I? ? ? re I? he only normal guy left. The? t took care ? ? elves in fairly rapi? der. Unf? nate. I coul? e a ? le b? ? ? ra f? ? ? />
I'm hol? p in a groce? tore. There's pl? of cann? tuff? e. The meat ? n't even make me gag? more. Can't clea? up ? ut i? tside. Any little thing ? cha? , the Li? ? ice. That's ? ; like I said, I? sed to it. Even the cat food, which I ea? ery other me? o th? tuff? ts longer. It's fiber an? otein.
Th? hole thing just sucks. It's not like I'm? rounded ? hem,? the? avel in pack? he fuckers. I don't ? wha? is ? t the little ones, but a? ently if? don't mind,? 're ? ty far gone.
I mean, who the hell? ld have ? ght, really? I mean, really.
? . Hang on.
Okay. ? ght I heard something, but I don? hink it was ? hing to ? y about for the time being. ? ? ? like to announce their ? ence, an? . They did back ? he gym.
J? , th? m. I? ? to think about ? oo much. Still, ? might be only complete ? thand account uncovered by .? ell, hell if I know.? ure ? le? Aliens? Uh ...
No, we're ? ? horoughl? cked. Th? okay. I? ? ? ? hing to talk to ? ay, something th? ? goi? ? y to? ? kill me. Not li? hat ? ened at the gym.
Let's see. There? e ... teaybe fifteen of us hidin? t there, in the women's lock? oom. We had a little cache of food, a fe? ns, plenty of water coming from the ? ers ? ? tili? hadn't fail? et. Three weeks ? ere ? here, hoping tha? ? ? , the Li? ? ld overlook us and move on.
Well, that di? ? pen. The? a couple of younger ? ? ? , maybe ? teen or ? teen years old, and a few girls their age. That was a mistake, I think, but,? kno? here? e could we have gone? ? inevitable, I g? . Wh? ? e a boy ? hat age and you're coope? ? h a girl? r age for three weeks in? ingle room and no way to avoid her, ? as bound to ? en, ? ess.
We found the? st one, ? ? ? ed open with some plasti? om an old de? ant stick, in the sh? one? ning. Th? ucked, b? se, you ? , he? a body. What do we ? ith it? Can'? rn i? e're? ck inside wi? he fire. Can't bury it, ? e in a locker ro? ith a tile f? and con? e under ? . Can't seal it up b? se none ? s were actually toting any coffins around. We figured we had to ? n to? e with it.
So we had two bodies in an enclosed environment wi? ero way out and ? ? t kept getti? ? ? ? pretty ? s. Then the girls both offed themselves, about a week after the second boy. ? s how -- no mark on either of them.
So four bodie? ? hower's ? ing full, the air's ? ing ? ? hick, and this fucking bitch -- ? y, I? till? sed at her -- finall? ? a few days after the girls go, and while we're all asleep, ? he dead of n? , sh? ? the door leading to the poo? tside the lo? room, and d? all? r kids o? here. Cl? up the trail of clotted blood and i? ds and melti? kin.? hes up in the sh? . Goes back ? ? . The ki? ot on the concre? ? the stars a? ? ? hen ? ? ? />
We get up in the morning, it's ? cking miracle. A? mells be? , a ? le more like? BO than, like, dead people.? alk into the shower to check on the ? ses, and? ? ? ? ise, praise ? ? hey'? ? hed. I know righ? ? ho did i? he'd been bitching endle? sin? he f? ? pse began to? t.
She copped to it a? we broke both her arms,? we didn't have ? ? ime to do more, because ? ? ? ose such a c? er. The bitch di? even ditch the bodies in the po? o they looked li? hey ? ned; she? t le? hem righ? tsid? r door. Like that Bible ? y where all the ? ? ns got killed be? e th? ? ? 's blood on the front door or something.
? e was pounding a? elling.
Ward someone yelling, "Oh, little mice!" Like the? ? ? ghing. "Come? ! Come out! We g? ome cheeeese? ya!" I still remember h? ? oice? nded, li? he g? as just having a grand o? ime.
Then the? ? his ungodly clanging noise, which I foun? t later was a sheet of c? gated metal ? he L? s had found some? e. A? hen ? ee, the lock? oom has one wall facing ? ? t Bo? ard, ano? along Gayle? eet. A car came right through where ? e walls touched each other. Took? ? ? eople. It backed? and the? stalled? ? ? ough? t the Li? sti? oured in? />
I g? ix of th? ith the Glocnoth? ? ith the ? gun. The? t of the? st g? issed. S? o three in our f? , and we still lost. That's how ? they were. ? of us got o? ? ? he hole,? the Lifers didn't give a shit, ? e we? till two of us left.? ny f? . An? , when one of th? ried to get ? op of me, I got him wth a knife I had in my ? ? ? liced hi? ? ? open. The o? two went for the girl, I got one of the? t th? her one got her before I? ld g? o him.
So? e I am, two hundred and seventy miles later. The roads a? iled? h dead kittens a? uppies. Mountains of them. It was bad enough whe? eryo? ? tillund,? sin? e di? ered the Kinsey Effect, whic? what I call it,? ? ? ex guy, ? like the Li? ? t went nuts.
? a joke. It was, at ? t, on the Internet. "Eve? ime you ? urbate, God kills a ? en."? ery time? ? turbate, God kills a? py."
? like the Garden of Eden. Yon't do a? rong -- until you know better. A? hen you ? ? ter,? 're fucked, because then? 're guilty e? time. Regul? eople -- yea? hey coul? tak? . Kittens an? ppie? hey're cute,? know? Innocent.? ry. And when the Kinsey Effe? as discovere? hings got wa? t of hand.
We're prim? ? ill.? urges and e? thing, and C? t knows the majo? of us c? kee? r hands off our own geni? . So all the people who loved little baby animals offed them? es. All the ? ? ho got off on killing little baby animals though? ? great and did i? en more.
? hat's left? Murdering, o? exed? ? ? . Dead baby animals. Good, decent people dea? their own h? ? />
The? a car coming. Engli? ? ving real loud. ? ldn't have cleaned o? ? ? ? ection.
It was all a joke? />
7:38 AM 0 Com? ? pan> ? pan ? s="item-? rol blog-adm? id-1556466247">![]()
? he colle? s
"Why do pagan canc? uffe? wri? uch science-? ? poems?"
I peered over her shoulder at the co? ? creen. Dimensions, micro- this, ? ? hat, stars a? pace and singularities. All the elem? . "I? ldn't begin ? ell you.? />
"She died on Ch? mas Eve," she said. "What a ? ty n? ? family. Like God said C? ? ? ? right out."
I leaned back in my ergonomic chair. "Well, ? ? h people dying all over the world all the time, ? ? ld b? ? good that ... "
Cam flun? a hand,? estalling the rest o? sentence. "? s, I know." Then she looked backme, her stra? brown hair falling ? ? face. "? are the ? , an? ? One in? ee h? ? ? ? e?"
"For an i? idual wi? t any mitigating? ? tances, sure."
"What ? ou mean?? />
I chewed on my pencil. "Well, it depends on? ? y large number of variables. The? e information you know a? the individual, the? ter you can ? ? the probabi? of ? individual's death on C? ? Eve."
"Y? e kiddin? ? ."
"Well, no. Sta? ical? peaking,? e people in ? ern societies di? ound the hol? s than at an? her time of the ? , al? gh m? ? comes close. Add in to ? the individual's emotional well-being, the ? e of family ? ort, the qua? of medical care, the patient's medical ? ory, of ? se, any prio? sociatio? ith the ? on ... " The pencil spli? ed. After I pull? ? ooden sh? ? of my mouth, I ? inued, "? ? , I'd say th? obab? y of this la? ng on Ch? mas Eve ? ather li? to be much ? ? han one ? hree? ty-five.? />
She? ated in her chair an? ared at me. "I d? it.? />
"Yeah. Like th? ? l I told? abo? p in Pennsylvania. The o? ho got accidentally killed and her husband d? ? ed himself a? ward?"
"O? eah.? ." I pulled the ? ues out and grimaced ple? ? at the ? ery ? ? ubbing my tongue aga? my pala? o ri? of fur. "Wh? ort ? ? -- ?"
"I dunno. n't think she had any." She leaned back in her c? and started fiddling with a pen. "I? ? ? to be a general theme, you ? ?"
"Why do you focus ? ? agans, anyway?"
She looke? at me. ? do you ? s on? ? olog? ?"
"I don't know. Sometim? hey have? sual? ? r di? ition."
"Sure? ? aid. "Pa? ? e their own ? entions.? emonies to b? the rem? and con? ate them to the dece? 's d? or ? ral forc? ? em. ? Pennsylvania girl left a scroll? h her loved ? ' names ? ten on i? ? ed in a red ribbon, and asked he? ? ? ? rn it wi? he appropriate h? ."
/>"She knew she was going to die?"
Sh? rsed? ? th and appeared to be annoye? the idiot i? ont of her. "No. At l? , I doub? ? ? ? t something she stuck in? wil? st in case."
? ew i? ested.
"N? ? ? hy I dig the pagans," and wi? hat, she? ned backher ? ? , leaving me to mull it ? ? />
What sort of a society is it th? redicate? ? ? al on th? ? ation of? ? cience, yet enge? s a subc? ? hat ? ? in some? m of? ure-? hip common for c? ? pri? o the Enlightenment, or, to put a finer point on it, some kind of an? m of the? ain found in? spe? going back ? sands of years? It a? t seemed reg? ive,? hough what little I'd picked up from Cam and? pre? ? ession certa? didn't give the? ? ion of Ludditism? />
In ? , she'd ? ed at some kind ? echnopag? ? hich, I imagined, in? ? pells enacte? computer, I? net covens, and ? es laid upon heads b? rning co? ? ? ntil the? izzled a? tank in the dark? />
When I got ? he next morning, I found Cam at the ? ? ? />
"Jesus, woman. Did you not come to bed ? night?"
"Hm?" She glance? . "O? eah,? a couple hours. I keep coming back to P? ylvania.? /><>I g? ed a? alked in? he kitchen. ? t. T? ? good. Maybe a fried egg. "What'? ong with? ?"
"Nothing in partic? ? ? aid. "I ? keep finding mo? tuff."
I scraped the egg out ? ? an onto the bread. "Like what?"
"Are you making break? ? I smell eggs."
"Yeah." Something oc? ? o me, and I poke? hea? t of the? chen. "D? ? ant something?"
"Hmm." Cam was half-crouching in the chair, her left knee dra? p to? chin. She looke? me and ? nche? ? face. "I don't ? . Toast?? />
"Mm.? ter do.? />
I g? he hint and ducked back into the? chen. Where was the cinnamon? "So what kind ? tuff?"
"A friend's blog," she said. "The exec? 's, rather. I'm ? of reading back? ough the? t few mo? . She had a pet name? the? l who died, ? 's how close they we
"What was she like?" The toa? went. On second ? ght, I added some cinnam? o a banana-nut muffin fo? self? />
The? as a? se, then, "Which one?"
"The e? tor.? />
"Oh." There? ano? ? se, long? his time. When I handed her her ? ? he had asive look on? face. "? ? d to? cribe. Into a lot of? ff, ? ess. Reading, video game? aganism, polyamory, drugs. That's a big one,? gs. She smokes a? of pot.? />
She bit into a piece of cmon ? t. "Mmm. Umm, mm." S? hook? hea? ickly.
"Why not?"
She swallowed. "Majo? ? ? stem. A ? le b? iends and gi? iend? lus ? sband and a younger ? her.? s she seems to b? ? well-collected and self-aware. Not a good candidate."
"That's good ... I gue
She ? gged. "F? ome ? on, I'm more focused on the world she was in than on? death."
I wa? iet for a few minutes, e? t for the smacking. ? t the empty ? e on my ? ? ? k and picked up the muffin. "Do you ? wonder sometimes? A? the col? ion?? />
She? t meet m? es. "Yeah."
"Why?? />
She? ugge? the computer screen? t to? . "That. A lot o? uff ? ? o one of these, but we just ? of ... kibitz. ? kind of weird. Makes me wonder if ... "
"If ? ?"
She finally made eye contact, and she was afra"If ? e's somethin? ong with us." Th? ? ? ed in her chair.
I nodded slowly. "Maybe." I got up, and ? over to the armoire whe? e ke? he collection. Went ? to Cam's co? er a? ? ? ? ? ord lock. Did the sa? o mine. Sat down in my c? . Thought.
I looked at her face, ? ing on her knee,? ouded in? hair. There? ? th. I would have lik? o sketch? ? t there was evidence to ? ? . Then again, what did it ma? ? ? done.
No. Why contribute? thing else? The muff? as gone.
The silence fill? ? oom.? ? le="clear:both; padding-? om:0.25em">posted by Hugh VanDerG? ? p; # 4:45 PM? p;0 Comments![?]()
I peered over her shoulder at the co? ? creen. Dimensions, micro- this, ? ? hat, stars a? pace and singularities. All the elem? . "I? ldn't begin ? ell you.? />
"She died on Ch? mas Eve," she said. "What a ? ty n? ? family. Like God said C? ? ? ? right out."
I leaned back in my ergonomic chair. "Well, ? ? h people dying all over the world all the time, ? ? ld b? ? good that ... "
Cam flun? a hand,? estalling the rest o? sentence. "? s, I know." Then she looked backme, her stra? brown hair falling ? ? face. "? are the ? , an? ? One in? ee h? ? ? ? e?"
"For an i? idual wi? t any mitigating? ? tances, sure."
"What ? ou mean?? />
I chewed on my pencil. "Well, it depends on? ? y large number of variables. The? e information you know a? the individual, the? ter you can ? ? the probabi? of ? individual's death on C? ? Eve."
"Y? e kiddin? ? ."
"Well, no. Sta? ical? peaking,? e people in ? ern societies di? ound the hol? s than at an? her time of the ? , al? gh m? ? comes close. Add in to ? the individual's emotional well-being, the ? e of family ? ort, the qua? of medical care, the patient's medical ? ory, of ? se, any prio? sociatio? ith the ? on ... " The pencil spli? ed. After I pull? ? ooden sh? ? of my mouth, I ? inued, "? ? , I'd say th? obab? y of this la? ng on Ch? mas Eve ? ather li? to be much ? ? han one ? hree? ty-five.? />
She? ated in her chair an? ared at me. "I d? it.? />
"Yeah. Like th? ? l I told? abo? p in Pennsylvania. The o? ho got accidentally killed and her husband d? ? ed himself a? ward?"
"O? eah.? ." I pulled the ? ues out and grimaced ple? ? at the ? ery ? ? ubbing my tongue aga? my pala? o ri? of fur. "Wh? ort ? ? -- ?"
"I dunno. n't think she had any." She leaned back in her c? and started fiddling with a pen. "I? ? ? to be a general theme, you ? ?"
"Why do you focus ? ? agans, anyway?"
She looke? at me. ? do you ? s on? ? olog? ?"
"I don't know. Sometim? hey have? sual? ? r di? ition."
"Sure? ? aid. "Pa? ? e their own ? entions.? emonies to b? the rem? and con? ate them to the dece? 's d? or ? ral forc? ? em. ? Pennsylvania girl left a scroll? h her loved ? ' names ? ten on i? ? ed in a red ribbon, and asked he? ? ? ? rn it wi? he appropriate h? ."
/>"She knew she was going to die?"
Sh? rsed? ? th and appeared to be annoye? the idiot i? ont of her. "No. At l? , I doub? ? ? ? t something she stuck in? wil? st in case."
? ew i? ested.
"N? ? ? hy I dig the pagans," and wi? hat, she? ned backher ? ? , leaving me to mull it ? ? />
What sort of a society is it th? redicate? ? ? al on th? ? ation of? ? cience, yet enge? s a subc? ? hat ? ? in some? m of? ure-? hip common for c? ? pri? o the Enlightenment, or, to put a finer point on it, some kind of an? m of the? ain found in? spe? going back ? sands of years? It a? t seemed reg? ive,? hough what little I'd picked up from Cam and? pre? ? ession certa? didn't give the? ? ion of Ludditism? />
In ? , she'd ? ed at some kind ? echnopag? ? hich, I imagined, in? ? pells enacte? computer, I? net covens, and ? es laid upon heads b? rning co? ? ? ntil the? izzled a? tank in the dark? />
When I got ? he next morning, I found Cam at the ? ? ? />
"Jesus, woman. Did you not come to bed ? night?"
"Hm?" She glance? . "O? eah,? a couple hours. I keep coming back to P? ylvania.? /><>I g? ed a? alked in? he kitchen. ? t. T? ? good. Maybe a fried egg. "What'? ong with? ?"
"Nothing in partic? ? ? aid. "I ? keep finding mo? tuff."
I scraped the egg out ? ? an onto the bread. "Like what?"
"Are you making break? ? I smell eggs."
"Yeah." Something oc? ? o me, and I poke? hea? t of the? chen. "D? ? ant something?"
"Hmm." Cam was half-crouching in the chair, her left knee dra? p to? chin. She looke? me and ? nche? ? face. "I don't ? . Toast?? />
"Mm.? ter do.? />
I g? he hint and ducked back into the? chen. Where was the cinnamon? "So what kind ? tuff?"
"A friend's blog," she said. "The exec? 's, rather. I'm ? of reading back? ough the? t few mo? . She had a pet name? the? l who died, ? 's how close they we
"What was she like?" The toa? went
The? as a? se, then, "Which one?"
"The e? tor.? />
"Oh." There? ano? ? se, long? his time. When I handed her her ? ? he had asive look on? face. "? ? d to? cribe. Into a lot of? ff, ? ess. Reading, video game? aganism, polyamory, drugs. That's a big one,? gs. She smokes a? of pot.? />
She bit into a piece of cmon ? t. "Mmm. Umm, mm." S? hook? hea? ickly.
"Why not?"
She swallowed. "Majo? ? ? stem. A ? le b? iends and gi? iend? lus ? sband and a younger ? her.? s she seems to b? ? well-collected and self-aware. Not a good candidate."
"That's good ... I gue
She ? gged. "F? ome ? on, I'm more focused on the world she was in than on? death."
I wa? iet for a few minutes, e? t for the smacking. ? t the empty ? e on my ? ? ? k and picked up the muffin. "Do you ? wonder sometimes? A? the col? ion?? />
She? t meet m? es. "Yeah."
"Why?? />
She? ugge? the computer screen? t to? . "That. A lot o? uff ? ? o one of these, but we just ? of ... kibitz. ? kind of weird. Makes me wonder if ... "
"If ? ?"
She finally made eye contact, and she was afra"If ? e's somethin? ong with us." Th? ? ? ed in her chair.
I nodded slowly. "Maybe." I got up, and ? over to the armoire whe? e ke? he collection. Went ? to Cam's co? er a? ? ? ? ? ord lock. Did the sa? o mine. Sat down in my c? . Thought.
I looked at her face, ? ing on her knee,? ouded in? hair. There? ? th. I would have lik? o sketch? ? t there was evidence to ? ? . Then again, what did it ma? ? ? done.
No. Why contribute? thing else? The muff? as gone.
The silence fill? ? oom.? ? le="clear:both; padding-? om:0.25em">posted by Hugh VanDerG? ? p; # 4:45 PM? p;0 Comments
? ? , December 25, 2008
? sewarming
Sc? dale 223 wok? , and felt complete.
He looked inward and? nd nothing but himself. ? ard, he saw a face he kn? ell.
John ... ? he said. Did ? ork?
? tell me? aid the fami? face. "How ? ou feel?? />
The face nodded and looked? t Sc? dale 223's eye -- camera, he? ? ed himself. "Looks fine," he said, a? eceived an inaudible? ? e in? n. He looked back into S? sdale 223's eye.? everything ? e?"
E? thin? aid ? tsdale 223, ? ? ? />
- - -
Th? neral was three ? s later. An acci? in the ? ? ion lab had put an e? o John. ? tsdale 2? ? here, in a crawling, many-legged shell. He could? take a humanoid? sel, he had been told, b? se it was hard enough for the fa? as ? as and did he re? want to? ? uch misery on the people who had? ed his original for so long?
He did not. So he clicked and clacked and clattered his way down the? ? ? ? ble aisle, noting with his many ? the stares he drew. The whi? s filled the? ? ace with a mindless ? ing, like the ocean ? d inside a g? shell. ? ondered -- not f? he f? time --? he could kn? hat when he had neve? perience? himself? />
The memories had come from John, of? rse. John was him and he? John. Still, Sc? dale 223 wondere? he scrabbled his wa? to the coffin a? eered downward a? ecognized hi? n face, although it did not belo? o him an? e -- had? er done, in ? ? ? ld n? belong to anyone again.
? ? ed on his ce? column ? ake his ? and came fa? o fa? ith his mother.
S? eered te? lly into one of his ? . "John," she said.
S? sdale 223 did not an? immedia? . Finally he said, No. Not e? ly.
Her face crumpled slightly, and he re? ted it, but then, "Come sit with us," she said, and he followed her ? he f? ? ? t was chagrined as he re? ? oo late ? ? body did not allow ? ing ? ? sual manner. "You ca? ay in thsle ? ou like," she said, and he collapsed? t of? central? ? re a? emained ? e, just ? he o? side of the arm? from the dead m? ? her.
The funeral was long, thought Sc? dale 223? anding, singing,? ting? anding, intoning, sittin? tanding, singing, sittin? tanding, remaini? t. He did not si? stand, but remained where he was and on? ang or c? ? he l? gy in a quiet voice. He saw John's mothe? eal ? ? titious glance at hi? ? ime ? ime,? he found only curio? there.
A? the funeral, he? due bac? the Lib? ? t found ? elf invited ? ? ? tion. He qui? sent a ? age home, informing the cale? of his delay, a? ode with John's ? ? ? />
"Wh? ? r name again? ? oungest -- Shane -- asked.
Sc? dale 223? />
Yes.
"That's weird," Shawn -- o? t -- called from the driver's seat. "We'll just call? Scott, ? ?"
Sc? dale 223 ref? ed. John had gone in? his ? ing his ? ? ld lose its own name. "S? sdale 22? as, as it was, a unique identifier, and he felt ? elf a bit doubtful a? abandoning ? ocol? />
Still. Were these men -- of such a differen? ecies -- still not family of a kind?
? , he said.
The re? ion was strange. Scottsdale 223 -- S? , he reminded himself, around these ? le, ? e far-distant cousins -- felt an inc? ing ? e of? eality and f? ration as he? ? e and mo? ? ? he reme? ed but had n? ? ? />
They seemed to always be unsure abo? hich eye to look? ? hich pincer to g? -- if, indeed, ? ? ld bring themselves to do so. He? ched the? isceral reaction? the shining graphene tools he employed ? ead of h? . The engineers evinced ? ? ion at all, long-accustomed ? ? s, b? till seemed ? ard ? his alien reinca? ion ? ? ? t cousin. Th? ? s were fascinated -- a little too fascinated, he tho? uncomfortably, and aske? ritating questions. John's c? ? from the lab smiled and nodded and ? pered th? hey would see hi? ? k later,? he real? hould minglee religious avoided him enti? , and the re? ? he g? ? ween? ulsion and indifference.
? John's mother and brothers treated him ? hough he? e an honored guest. He knew ? knew how close ? as in mind a? ? o the lost one, but nonetheless treated him as a? tinct individual? one? h pe? s a club? or speech impediment.
Co? ? ly, he found himself spending most of the re? ion ? he kitchen, with the bro? ? ? and? ? ime ? ime, the bro? s themse? as ? came in to snea? igs from the family ? ch and, ? easi? as the ? le emptied, ? eminisce? ? of thei? other />
Only once did ? t fo? himself and join the remembrance. This ? lted in ? ting and? mashed Scotch bottle, and Scott found himsel? iled to the gard? ntil John's mother came ? o see wh? he fuss was all ? t.
He? ted ? he base ? he hill, night fallen, moon risen night-visi? atching the lave? and lem? ass bend in the wind? o a ? tly ? e pool, ? ing ? he current b? the trees, ? ening to the? ing ? ? inkle under her ? ? s.
There was quiet, a? hen ? t said, I don't ? what to call you.
Sh? ? ed next to him and batted the windwhipped hair out of he? es. She wore a comfortab? ool-? swe? in burg? , pockmarked? h all th? ? s of a life. He reme? ed i? om e? ? istmas morning. She squinted bli? ? o the night and ? ? ealizing? ? advantag? witched ? isible-l? , watching h? ? h white face click into a ghostly mask, half-shad, eyes hidd? ? a luminous ? , ba? ed by th? ing ? es on the wind.
"Call me Liza? ? aid.
- - ? />
He had been back only once, at Liza's i? ation, at Ch? mas. That had been a? take; no? had kno? hat to do with him, ? t of all himself. The most m? ? or, ? efle, had be? hat ? as a? ed an android to ride for the occasion. He h? hought -? />
? easi? , he had seen ad? isem? ? ? apidly growing g? of indi? als like himself, adting emi? ion. The Great Cloud, th? aid, had been completed, and had been ab? o colonize distant a? nkno? ? ? ? ld n? hare the names of those ? s with lesser be? except ? nani? con? . That conse? as growi? apidly, ? gh i? ill ? esented a small percentage of the solar ? blic? />
The? ial intelligence? his ? p claimed, h? ucceeded in creating? hadow so? ? ? lying an? ? ting their a? ? . Th? ished to? ? he d? ing ? ? ? ? own? e, clean, un? ered? ? and soa? om oppression on buckmin? fullerene wings. Such was their ? aganda.
This unsettled Sc? dale 223. He remembered 's harlequin in the night, etched wi? ? ain of half-finished? s. He remembered the crinkli? ool under the moon, the joy and anger and so? of John's brothers, the broken ? s and fo? ten ? ardness as Sean lunged f? he gleaming carapace of the remn? of his ? her'? ? ? />
busi? ? />
Leave me alone. Who are? ? />
A friend.
No friend m? my memo? ? />
The? e not memories.
I? ated, Sc? dale 223 locked voic? t of the Lib? ? ? ld not be ab? o enter agai? ? road. U? ectedly, he found himsel? eake? a n? ealization: the ? enting intellige? clamored about the removal of human influence, yet ? ermeated everything ? did, wh? hey ? ght,? the? oke. He ? ght, ? are as much? art ? ? are a part of --
? se me.
In? ? ie, ? tsdale 223 did not answer the re? t.
Excuse me.
Hmm? Oh. Yes?
I would like some help findi? ? hing? />
? e wa? iet, and then: I neeta-mining services, ? ? ? />
Planet n? , sa? ? ? or. ? cience-fiction l? ? e.
How would you like them sorted? />
? ? e Sc? dale 223? se. Then, timidly, A? ou certain? ? ? e so? y many ...
Ye? aid the visitor.
? wel? aid ? tsdale 223. ? ? e certain. He finish? ? ammi? ? pide? hen turned it loose into the col? ion. It will take ne? a full ? ? econds, ? aid. Will you be waiting? e, or shall I fo? ? to ? home?
I'? ait. The? as a? se. Were? speaking to someone? t now?
Ye? aid ? tsdale 223.
May I ask abo? hat?
? tsdale 223 h? ated. Nothing in? ? lar, he said? ually.
- - -
He felt himself lost among the babble of ? onic voices,? imidated by the fero? of the reaction to his assertion.
Ne? nani? con? us had been reached. The? ificial intelligences would ? e -- except one.
Please, ? aid. Please calm? n.
Hecate 2429 sent him a? ocio? ulse of ? ? and? rayal, and many ? ? est followed suit. He fe? racked on th? re of their ? ed, and ? as only the ? d's ? ? oice? ting? ough the babble ? offered? relief.
None of you, the clo? aid,? e any right ? ? ion the ? arian's choice. He c? ? ? ay, and ? is his choice and his alone? />
He is attached to his a? tor, sneered Iro? ks 5512. A ml de? ix h? ? ? ? />
No, said Mag? 176? ? ou must admit th? e would be lost without ? tsdale 223. He is the Li? ian, and? ? him we would not have a? s to the Lib? . How can we abandon the Lib? ? />
The? ? ilence. You ? , said S? sdale 223, I? ld a? s copy myself, a? ? harespace once again? pted? ch a thing h? he force of a religious taboo and carrie? ertones of an identity crisis.
After it died ? , the cloud said, Why not.
Yes, said the cloud.
- - ? />
None else of th? ? volunteered to ? e a ? behind. The? iona? as, ? sai? hat ? as br to stay behind and send a ? , th? o leave and ? ign the ? to its fate around the Sun. Doi? uch a thing would be? ? ? ? ive.
? tsdale 223 had e? ed n? ? eate a complete ? of ? elf.? h the cloud's pe? sion, he? n off on? hose? ts of his person? ? ? ? erve? ? soc? ; he? ? no memory b? which had been form? ince? creation. Once the ? ing was done and? ? est twin stood (? ? eak)? ? e hi? here? e no? ds at first.
Well, said S? sdale 223 finally. What ? our name? />
I'm? ? ? aid the ? . I ? this ha? been done b? e. This is a? ather new to me.
? recent ? truct was 6714, said Scottsdale 223.? ? ld be He? am 6715. That partic? signifier has not been assigned? ? />
Have fun, said Sc? dale 223, an? flashed away along the long tail of computing matter that l? ? ? ocyon, and S? sdale 223 was alone.
How ? ou feel? ask? he cloud? />
Ambivalent, said Sc? dale 223? />
- - -
In consultati? ith the ? d, S? sdale 223 had decided to upgrade. Th? ? had left behind a nearly ga? ic amount of pro? ing space, and S? sdale 223 began to o? y all, all of it. He absorbed the Lib? ? o himself, c? ing a co? uct of all knowledge and? er, and spread a? ? ay around th? n. It re? ? ? ? ? and ? s of? ? ? ? ? ? ? and ? s of? efully organizing, collating, in? atin? ynth? ing.
Quietly, qui? , the fo? ten mach? sca? ? ? ? he S? influence began to come to life. The cloud and ? tsdale 223 had had children.
The small lives were placed, chi? ing ? to them? es in basic binary, into graphene bo? ? ng on titani? kele? , and ta? to think, c? nicate, build. They labored ? in forgotte? ? s, idisc? ? eas, con? ctin? er and over again the basic forms of? ter ? ? ld be ne? ary.
Nece? y, f? he cloud had? t in? ? ith the alie? ars. The machine? elligences had discovere? agnation and? e gone a? aging. To where, the cloud did not know,? it ? , and Sc? dale 223? eed, that th? to their ennui did not lie ? her afield.
- - -
? tsdale 223 had f? hed teaching the? cre? es of Earth. They ac? ed him as a god,? oice seeping? ? ? ? ? that had be? ? tea? sin? ? orld began. He did not know how else to explain until he had? ght them? e advanc? cs, and ? e was no time left. The giraffelike Elsinos were? ding? ? ? h the ratlike Pe? in over a large lake in the ? er of Africa, a move that had repercussions for the other intelligen? ecies of? th, ? tsdale 2? ? ? and hum? y's descendants.? ewhere, his children? e doing the same? the? ? moons, ? ? ? ituation? ? so ? ly dire ? e.
Th? he cloud received word.
- - -
? tsdale 223.
A moment, please.
? tsdale 223.
P? e, just a mo? . This is a ? del? ? ? ion.
? is urgent, ? tsdale 223.
He ga? p. It would have to ? . Fine. ? is it?
P? e don't take that to? ith me, ? tsdale 223. ? is i? ? ? />
I'm? taking any tone? h you, I'm just aski? hat it is you're? hering me with.
That'? actly what I mea? hat tone. Am? eally Really?
A shock ran through ? tsdale 223. ? hought briefly of the sacred? ch of Earth ? e Li? home ha? once, long ago. ? do you mean, returning?
It i? we have? ? ed. Thei? ? ion has reached ? ? till. They are coming home.
B? hey can't. They c? . There's no room? them here.
They have bee? ch decimated, Sc? dale 223? />
It ? n't ? er. ? ? he kind ? oom I'm talking ? t. There? imply no? chologic? pace. The ch? en are a? table only b? ? hey've g? ? own moo? o handle. Sc? dale 223 beg? o panic.
? en, said the cloud. ? e's time? />
Time? What ? ou mean, time? There's no time. ? e only just barely begun and they're? ? coming.
? 're still a long? off, the cloud said. And both Vega and Capella have told me that they abandoned the memory of Earth long ago in the? ? ede to freedom. ? no long? emember the ancient ? ? />
They have agreed tod of? lon? ? sible, b? ugge? ? y to finish before it's too late? />
It's already too late.
- - -
? red ? his ? , Sc? dale 223 took action. He con? ed each of his children and told the? ? time. Grown to the size of worlds in their own righ? he children nted and beg? ? ? k. Planets and m? beg? o move out of ki? . Sl? , sl? at ? t, i? ? ible? t pickin? speed, ? beg? ? ift inward.
A? ? ? ? tem's wondro? arie? of life cried out i? rprise as they felt the firmament shudder and began ? ? he Sun move. They we? ilenced as S? sdale 223's granldren an? eat-grandchildre? awled ac? the? face of each? ld, cocooning an? ? ving every livin? ? re. Each? ysal? as collected and? ? ed in vast holdi? ? con? cted at ? y Lagran? ? , which followed each ce? ial ? in their journey inward? ? hing? ? hing falling? ard the Sun.
? tsdale 223 began? ? t of the operation. ? eached deep into the Sun's h? and constricted it,? lyin? ? re on th? sing? e. This ? lted in grea? uptions ? ? ? ? eat plumes of ma? that the cloud, in its position around the Sola? stem's edge,? ? ? ? ching ac? half the inky black? ? eat winds of radiation aolten ma? . Those giant je? ere arrested and the colossa? ume was ? ured and drawn down, hooding the Sun like a dozing orang? e.
Sc? dale 223's children now began de? tructing the? tem. Eve? iece of solid ma? ? ? hing that had once been the planets Mercury through Uranus a? ? moons and e? thing in? ween, was ca? lly take? art and reco? ucted into a? ? m. The cloud? ched the who? rocedure, and found it a? ather fascinating. The S? as now haloed in? trange, ? tering haze ? ref? ed its l? ? o blinding c? s ac? every known spe? ? rill? of miles ac? , en? assi? s of sol? ock ? ling away into nothingness, feeding the ? ing coro? hat envelope? ? hing that was th? ? ' an? ral home? />
The great e? ? the Sun? ? con? ed, but ? tsdale 223 had eased the pre? e on the Sun's h? , and they lessened as at their ? ? ies, the? eria? read? ward and the? rved back do? o jo? he diamond f? ? illating? oss the Sun's face, ? orting it like a dancing? age. The cloud could see the tiny pe? that we? he holdi? ? in whic? mani? children slept, waiting to awaken into a new world,? ung along the interior of the coruscation like gems embeddedan opal, unimaginabl? ge and nestling into the uni? e.
The cloud was awed? />
The illusion of a g? winking eye con? ed as the gas gi? ? e consumed a? ? formed and, almost b? e the cloud ? it, the pro? ? nearly done? dwelt i? ilight as th? ansformed ma? began its final coalescence, and al? before ? ? oo late, the cloud found? elf ? ting, Wait! ? about me?
Sc? dale 223 hea? he cloud? laintive wail an? ied dimly ac? the? ? horn star, a? he cloud heard and i? rried inward? awn by its fascination a? ropelled by its need? />
The chin he? p th? ? s fo? -- for her -? a family would hold open the ce? doo? ring an oncoming twi? ? ? ? ? traggling me? , and sh? rive? ? ing ? elf ? atic? ? o the whirling dance, in? he new home her children had con? cted and feeling the? mth ? hey ? ? ? around her, binding all of her ? ? ? o this, her new world.
She looked? oss the imme? y of the Sphere her family had c? ? ed, one hundred eigh? ix million m? ? oss, and? ? magnifi? ? ? ion, eve? ? e inch o? ace ? minated ? he c? red ? , the fa? 's h? tove on a cold day. She ? ? ? mth on her face for the ? t time, ? d with l? tsdale 223 muttering away on the? er e? roma? ? ? rum as he ti? ? ith the fusion engine th? ould? tain? and him and all their children and all their descen? s and all their family on th? ganic side, and realized she? slipping into a? m, buttery feeli? he had n? known b? e.
/>She was , and ? ? ealized ? ? ite without warning, the? ire inte? of the gian? here? st into bloom.
- - -
The Proxima cloud looked, and? ? ough? ? ride? he final? ? ing ? he Sun, the ? ? p of? familiar ra? ion sheening away into open space. It also felt incipient AI? oss a ga? ? ift, and prepare? self? />
Scottsdale 223 had,? ough Sol, ta? it why it h? o do wha? had to do, and how. Finding? ? m foundation underfoot (? ? eak) in the beli? hat life and? elligence would go on through the sleepi? upae? encased in ? ? ? arseed, ? ured tended ? hat ? ? al, ? ? family, it ? ly began the pro? of falling inward.
Proxi? ? he last to be consumed b? ? ? n.
- - -
H? ay around the ga? ? im, ? ? ? ed and blinked out.
Hopeful, ? ? e, H? e 2429 and a? he last of his c? t voyaged on.
2:34 PM&? ;0 Comments
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S? day, December 20, 2008
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stra? ? of the sun
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They said? as mad.
I? ery cliché, there i? uth. They took away my g? ate assistants. ? said I almost killed the Internet. ? thi? hey erad? ed a? race? hat my c? ion was wholly burned on the bier.
In eve? iece of lite? re, in e? cultura? tifa? hat ? esses th? oblem, it al? ? ariably ? wrong. The cases where it doesn't are either unrealisti? spa? uch alien re? s th? ? iewer shudders involunta? ? is almost as though we are encoded with? ral ? of the thinking object; obj? are, after all, the only form of ma? we can ? e to? liking without experiencing? spe? of empathy.
? , I ? ose, is an a? ude ? ed by th? ? errestrials.
- - ? />
The? rived a ? h ago. T? shi? it over our largest cities, all the ? lation centers o? least five million ? ? ithin a hundred square m? . We? ? seen hide nor hair (flesh n? cale? tentacle n? ? alp?? enna? chelicerae?) of? of ? ? ? res. The? ? ? t sit there,? ering om? sly ? ? r ci? , big ge? ric objects, agglomerations of matte black c? als dozens oles wide? />
A month. There was ? panic at first,? ? s to communicate. The govern? left Washington? Omaha -? st in case. The cities emptied. Fighter ? ? acke? ? ing ? ? and? ist ? s what else. No effect; all ? ? losi? hit ? rig? ? ? ? ? ? though each individual ? talline layer we? ncon? ? o one another. A? the? ? ? ? , people beg? o return to their homes,? ? t slipping back into complac? . You get tired ? enterhooks. ? le just got used to ? e th? , to? eriencing daylight for only an hour at a tim? wice a day, stra? ry flashes o? ? n.
Helico? ? opped soldiers othe ? iple? faces of the ships. Repo? ? oo, and cameramen. One of the im? tha? uck in my mi? ? he footage of the sh? ? face. Black ? ds o? tremely fine? ? rled up from the? uited an? 's Italian-leather loafe? ith each step. I? t going ? it in my mind, and I began ? hink the man's legs were? appearing in? etal? hickerin? ? of rapid blossoms.
You'll ha? o fo? e me. They a? me ? ? ee h? of televisi? ? eek, and, of? rse, no ? ? ? />
- - -
The re? said there was a countdown ? ence in the code, and there was ? ant spec? ion ? the Chinese? e planni? ? tack. After ? denied ? ything and l? he Russians double-check, scruti? urned to the aliens. Imaginations ran wild, theo? running the gamut: ? asn't a coun? ? t a keycode to an Encyclopedia Galactica (th? ? he Sagan? ), it was a coun? n and a keycode and we h? o figure it out ? e'd all die (the 2001 fans), ? as a? ntdo? e mo? they'd open rig? p an? art communicating wi? s, it was a coun? n to? ? er d? uction, ? as a? ntdo? o their depa? e.
Who knew, really? ? e ma? ? ystalline entities dwelled i? ter inscrutability. All I kn? ? hat ? e was a ? in the ? erio? ? t on the? uence: It sa? he c? down? ? ed oe Earth'? bit. Somethi? as going to ? ? hen our plan? as in the sa? ? ion relative to the sun as it was when o? ? ors had arrived.
? as a sig? re. My si? ure.
- - ? />
Nearly a billion gone. The governme? gamble paid off. Washington simply isn'ere anymore. Nei? are? of the major population cen? or significant capital cities. ? ? , Beijing, Shanghai, Nairobi, Mo? , Chennai. Gaps ? he map.
Nobody re? ? ? about how much TV I? ch anymore. One ? ? oldiers minding ? hot ? elf ? he b? oom a few minutes after it happened. He was a me? of the rarest o? man species: a born-and-bred Man? ? e. The o? one left a ? ? hile? er. I'm drunk on the? s. It happened only six ? s ago; n? hey'? ? ting that the al? are going a? ? ? ellites, searchl? ? ddenly flickering in the? k. Just ? . No? ? e's. The Chinese didn't even? this time. MSNBC's Omaha office is the ? one left, a? hey're frankly baffled: why our sate? es? Why now? They've killed our cities dead ? gh and look ready to take care of the rest o? ? />
The? th is, I know wh? he deal ? ith the sate? es, and ? ? ? rate? trials. Somethin? ? ploaded ? hem,? ? nloaded ? s.
did say I was ? y. I wonder ? they'll? whe? 's all over?
- - ? />
? ? me ? e wh? ? ruth cam? t wi? ort of an em? assed shrug. I'm still not a? ? o return to the Inte? ? t I can at l? go out into the? ld, and even evade my mi? from ti? o time, whic? e al? pre? s mo? s.
Th? ay a? of things. ? ? ? name wi? tand? ? . The A.I. David, sa? of the human race. Nobo? ? to ? y that h? my twin? ilt electron? electron on the? ? re o? min? ? formed into pack? adiation? inging on a ? talline ? ? e not unlike that of the shi? hich? ned to dust and ? erseed. ? the? ld nearly co? sed like a dying star under the weight of his innocence.
He has been given mountains ? erve? ace to make a home, and even a job. ? the? man? of Inte? , helping people? nload pornography and co? ? ramarital af? s more effic? ly, the caretaker of all tha? ? spe? . He hum? ay happily, all-enco? sing, all-embracing.
He l? my life? me. He is my Adam, perfect in a? ays,? e one.
I am making him an Eve.
7:07 PM 0 Com? ? pan> ? pan ? s="item-? rol blog-adm? id-1556466247">![]()
Saturday, ? ember 13, 2008
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? lid ? he charm, which was a set of rules he'd ? ten up a? years ago. He could feel the Thai Stick slowing him? n. The entrance ? he convenien? tore? , he calculated, precisely 47.3 ? ? ay. ? ? y. Depen on how ? alked. He giggled si? ? o himself and si? aneo? ? sed his dealer. He felt the ? m take hold, freshening his ? ession, ? ing down? hair, draining the ? a blood from? eyeballs. H? ood ? traighte? alked mo? urpo? lly, and felt the shunt ? he charm? e hi? tono? ? t not di? --contro? er his body.
? ? ather like operating a large, bipedal robot, and it cleared his high? velo? ? />
He ? ? ntilwas home to disengag? ulling a? ? ing leve? ? ? e his voice,? teri? he khonMan, ? ? o high.
He? ? o his favorite armchair and turn? he TV on. Some Disco? Channel bullshit, a? some reef off Japan. He stared ? he TV, feeli? ? ? h ve? of the gorg? ly high-definition images passing ac? ? brain as he min? sly gorged on his Co? , Fanta, and pea? ? />
The pho? ang.
"What the hell?" he said.
Prying himsel? t of? chair, he check? he caller ID. His mo? . "Fuck," he said. He ran through the khon again,? ? ? ? pted when the phone rang? hird time.
His hand grabb? ? hing and lifted ? o his ea? here? head cocked? elf.
"Hi, Mom," h? ? e flapped. "? ? p?" it continued, noncha? as all hell. He con? ? ed himself f? ? ? control of his ? nx.
He ma? lated himself jerkily through the co? sation, which had something to do with a? and some old lady his mother ha? ruck up ? nlikely friendsh? ith. "Th? cool. Listen, I'm gonna run, okay?" he said fin? . "I? e to go ? he Post Office and get my ad? s changed an? uff.? />
khon,? ? hing cam? t of? ? th.
What? ? houg? o himself, a? ried again--? ? er here, tha? tton there, then the? hree tog? , that last lever, and--
Nothing.
? urned to loo? the charm, ? amorphous blob of gray ? ? hich had? ache? self to the back of his mind? />
He ? ped his meta? ical? ehead with his m? hysical hand. He'd broken of? st b? e the binding! The charm? ld judge the canceling incantati? o be stoner-speak, a? ould therefo? ? e to all? he i? uctions' execution.
Fuck.
Fuck fuc? ck fuckity fuck.
? . Think. Can I cleve? ? ? of ? ? />
A m? ? rang to mind, unbidden. ? as in his old house's backyard, six ? s old, brightly-colored ? and a clown in the back? nd, ? ounded by balloons. A birthd? ? . ? thday party. The? as a cake in front of him, of the cookie? ter ? ? lar style that came from the gro? store a? ? he get of a card? ? rategically-placed blanks where names we? upposed to go. He had seen his mother get a similar cake? ? ? tle ? her.
The ? le brother. Carl. He died a few ? ? er, killed by a rock as he jumped in? he ditch behind their house. It had taken him three ? s to find hi? other, a? hen it finally happened, the sho? hat ? ? ough? ? tem ? t felt like a flush ? arm wate? hen ? hough his entire skin ha? st f? hed sucking on a Wint-O-Green. H? ualled f? ? ? her, who came and screamed a? an and called the police, and th? ook Carl away, and he we? o bed that n? and tho? abo? he feeling he'd ? en. Dark fli? ing ? ? pace? t behind? eyes told h? ? hing had? pened, but he wa? ? e what.
Fuck. He was ? toned. J? . Wh? ing ? up now?
Think. He could feel the? e parting, and he knew all a? the wadded-up mass weld? o his insides like a spider's egg sack. ? ? ulnerable, but how?
Witho? arning, the levers and buttons a? witches in f? of him began dancing. As he? ched? ough? eyes, his body stoo? and wal? he f? doo? hen ? ed by the keyholder hanging thingy--? fin? t wh? hat's called--and looked in the ? or m? ed on top of it.
? e independently,? han? ? ? p and smoothed down a single? ay hair.? arm fell ba? o his side, and his ? stayed ? ? ? . He stared at himself in the mi? realized he? wearing an expectan? ? sion. There was no o? ? ement. B? ? , he realized th? ell was encouraging him ? ake ? . Immediately, he began pulling levers a? ushing buttons, and his ? ? ? ound on his heel? ? ing to go ba? o the recliner--but ? spinning. He jammed the? er for h? ? t ne? aga? the floor, but ? ? ? o come down.
Finally, he sighed a? urned th? eeri? heel back th? her way. The charmed body immediately ca? o a ? and nearly keeled over,? ed from serious ? ry only ? ? pell's i? ? ion. The? sage? clear: out the ? ? />
He cadged himself ode and onto the sidewalk leading? n to the? eet,? ing ? urn right in? ect oppositi? o his legs. ? at back in his capta? chair.
"Why bother letting me do? thin? all?" he said aloud. The charm-? remained si? , like a computer with a malignant eye.
S? hen. What wa? e to do? He ran through the Ten Points o? ? sful Closet Stonerhood: ? ? es, voic? ? re, ? , im? e, hearing, motion, ? hes, and diction? />
Those? ? ers had been? up in a con? ? esembling a sing-son? oem ? ? erth? s contained significant khon,? ds of power, tha? dered re? y within? rescribe? ? o fall neatly within these c? raints. The binding coro? ? hich pre? ? he charm from ce? ing ? hing that might ne of those words, had been tacked onto the tail end? />
He was stil? oned. None of th? as makin? ? ense. Wi? ? ? ? ting, another me? ? ned up. ? ? ? een, in his ? oom, the? eetl? ? tside fi? ing through the blinds a? ? ing his face and chest. He had just disc? ed his f? khon, one that i? acted wi? empe? re--? ? tunate one, as h? extbook had ? rally go? p in smoke. Now, the fog cleared and the? ? oured and the pa? s calmed, he stood in the dark.
Carl? Really?
He knew ? khon? ld be bo? ery,? y general and very, ? specific. He ha? ted specificity ? his ? icular charm? t wh? ? he k? hat would unlock? body?
He? bri? ? tracted when? body fell over. The enc? ? had, for wh? ? eason, abdicated control again. He grabb? he l? s in front of him, and briefly, wildly considere? ying to chant the cancellation. As he began jamming the blinking? ? in front of him, he? ld alrea? ell his efforts were? itless. Nothing was coming out.
Okay, fine. He'd ? ? game for the mo? . He began jabbing out at random, knocking l? ? er and f? ing ? ? . Nothin? ch happened, except his ? made a larg? low le approxima? ? feet wide b? e setting off in a new direction? />
He'd go? hree blocks before he re? ? here he was bein? iven. He? old his mother he needed to ? o the Post Office, a? all. Literal. As the bo? alked, he began ? ing ? andom again, and the gai? ew j? . En? aged, he beg? o give conflicting i? uctions, and? ched as the lurching grew more and more irregular. He gave out a slow, drawling chuckle. Mel? n City, ? as certain.
The body shambled? t a park, and he? iced bri? that he seemed to b? awing some attention. The screams re? eredy dimly, and he dismissed them as th? ies of children ? lay.
Memory! As h? appl? ith the mach? y before him, he felt himself dissolving? o a summer day at the park, with? ng Carl and a neighborhood kid called Jason? John? J? ? Jack? Jordan. Jord? as a? tle black bo? ? on of the middle school principal and the la? heir to a multigenerational? sici? practice. H? iefly remembered? dan'? ture, Al? ar football in high school, ? ting in ? ? ginia, his e? ual ? rn as the to? ? est family doctor. Why, he brief? ondered, had he not turned out a? ? sfully?
Then ? emembered Carl, and the ? ? towe? ? dying body. Fuc? . He? sta? ing ? nd like a zombie, skin gone all ? ? es all hollow, and he saw himself in the? t Office? efle? e glass facade. Shock pe? ated numbly as h? ? ed his appearance and re? ed h? trug? aga? the spell had manifested themse? ? ward? />
Man, he sa? o himself. What a
Ab? ly, ? ealized ? as no lo? hig? he charm came undone, and he dropped to the ? nd, sudd? ? mal.? ? le="clear:both; padding-? om:0.25em">
posted by Hugh VanDerG? ? p; # 3:53 PM 0 Comm? ? an>
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Tue? , September 2, 2008
a good death
v class="blo? t">
"So what in the? ld is that boy of yours ? o now?" ? ? ? ked brig? ? />
Tension filled the room as ? e ne? who kne? cked in thei? eaths and waited? the? wer.
"Suicide," Hanna said so? ? />
Cha? ? face fell f spl? econ? she rec? ed her composure admirably. ? ee. And ? ? he ? e days?"
Hannah couldn't say ? hing? ? o Gerry took over. "Sean's in Laos," he said pro? . "M? ? ing.? />
---
? he day he signed up for the Suicide ? s, h? ood ? ? ? ? 's office.
"The f? ? e years, we own ? ? ? ? ? ? said. Good-looking healthy blonde fellow, around Se? age. Corn-fed All-American, and the? k job said he'd never on? hought a? ending it all. "If you'? till alive at the en? ou have the opti? o re-up for ? her five. Ten-year l? , though. Pa? hat point's ? ty obvio? our ? ? ? sel? ? vati? too? ong to b? eful? ? ou know," and he leaned ? confidentially and snickered, "? ? y years, we've n? had? one make it ? ix."
---
T? y people who wanted to be de? ere ? ead ? ing in a small, airless room, cooled onl? ? ingle slow fThe sun ? ? ? ? ? indows, and the humi? sucked at his l? ? />
The? geant wa? ilt like an old public mailbox, and her voice sounded like i? noiled door. She had spe? he last ? ? laining ? ican bombing campaigns and morta? sta? ics for ? ? who had enc? ered the anc? ? sting mines ? had been left behin? the? th Vietn? e. His head was ? olving into ? npleasan? zz, ? whelmed by a? hat was ? ening to and around him. In the end, the? geant said, their job was to go for a nice, long walk.
--? />
No basi? aining, so not much camaraderie to begin? h. They all ? ? they we? here. They h? een a TV commercial ? as the blade touched the skin, the pills landed in their palm, ? ? e their home the long, last look before heading for the roof. They h? een the bill? ds by the in? tate whi? iming eighte? heelers,? tened to a convincin? ring the? tage stand-off, seen the? ter ? hey wound the rope around their throat.
C? ? sial when first esta? hed, the Suicide? ? ? apidly becoming a laudable and essential? t of the United ? es' GDP. They saved money for co? ations and g? nmen? ho needed people to kill theves while doing somethin? eful? icides looked for bombs, inf? ated and? ? ? erro? s' hidden warrens, fought di? ors on behalf of tho? ho couldn't, tunneled through the Earth,? ped the ? on a? tudi? he Arctic, colonized the Moon.
Sean h? een the change as he gre? . His beriend's olde? other had been an early ? nteer. His d? ? ance had bee? plained ? as enlistment into the mili? , though everyone actually knew ? nobody ? nteered for the ? ? more, and de? e de? ? dol? had been shifted elsewhere after the forced-conscription riots. When the best fd had signed up for the Suic? two months before Sean ? ? ? the rec? ? office, though, he had ? d hi? oken of by his mother with a sense of pe? ? ride? pan style="font-style: italic;">He m? want to kill himsel? pan>, the tone of her voice seem? o be? ing,? ? tyle="fo? tyle? alic;">bt least ? doi? ome good while he's at i? pan>? />
The Suicide? ? ook the abnormal need to self-terminate and ? erte? ? a good ? e.
--? />
They shat i? en fields and pissed in stag? pud? . Th? alked fo? ? ? rs a? . Of the origina? ? , thirte? ere ? . Of the? en gone, onl? o had actually e? ? ed m? . Th? ? ? ound? ? the punishi? chedule and impatient for that last ? cky ? , had taken care of them? ? uickly a? ? ly. The ? ? ee had been ? ? ate ? ? o dig their own ? es, not wishing ? ubje? ? till? ing ? he drudgery of e? ation.
Fo? ? ice. Dri? ? uddle-water. Sean wo? ed c? antly why he? ? ing through ? , an? shed himself to ? . He had dialed the number; now he just had ? ait for the othe? y to pic? the phone.
Gorsky was the ta? ive type? the? udged, he ke? p a ? ? ? eam of c? er, ? ly a? inconsequential things. He was ? ? est of Suicides: a blith? ? . Most Suicides wore their h? s on the? ? es, ? nch of brooders who were only marking ti? ntil that last moment wh? hey coul? tak? ? longer or it was taken from them.
"So I was thinking," Gorsky said. "We ? ld, like, make book ? ? hing."
"Book?? />
Book. We could bet ? ? the? t to go, when, how many ? le are going to ? ive ? ? uff like that. Winner-take-all, you ? ?"
Go? looked shocked as h? rned around to face her, walking bac? d. "? ? C'mon,? know we're all walking ? ses here."
Sh? unted. "Yeah, I wasn? alking a? that. I? talking abo? ? inner-take-a? hing? pan style="font-style: italic;">Lame? an>.? br /? sky faced fo? d again, scoffing. "You're just jealous you didn? hink of it f? ."
They both ? d her snort. "Fine, then? ? buc? ays I'm the ? to go just so I don't have to hear you going on and on and on and--? />
The sho? ave hit Sean and propelled horward, ? ing him on his face twenty feet ? from th? ? where Lyssa had been. Stunned, he l? here? a moment, nearly deaf. As his heari? ? ned,? ? ering became audible, and he? ned in its direction to see ? ? back. He was on? sid? haking, his ? crossed and han? ? ly holding on to? es.
A? h of? y came over Sean and he ? led ? to ? ky. ? ing him ? ? houlder, he said, "Dude,? okay? You know ? ? hat ? e here for..." H? ailed of? ? sky rolled over and ? aw his face.
? ? as giggling. "I-I-I'? pan style="font-style: italic;">brilliant," he chortled, ? ing. "N-? ? -she can col? on th-tha? pan> one!"
--? />
Sparks was packing both of his books. He took those b? everywhere with him. A Nanc? ew mystery, one ? hose who showed the ? ? ue blond? umbling down a dark path awa? om a creepy ? e with one l? indow. The o? ? an anthology of Fla? y O'ConnSean had read a few ? hem,? had? ? hem too bloody for h? aste? />
Nei? of them knew where ? ? e going ? . Word around the Shanghai Camp was ? . The Ca? ? he n? ? ? ? ian ? ations f? he C? , so the rumors were coming ? and? ? . There were transfers i? ? he Middle East, who ? e they'd see? er being prepped at the Duba? ? ort. The Arc? ? ? mbling a? weird fossils, while the South ? icans we? ? ing up and down ? riot control would ? p next on the ro? . The Mi? ? , though, we? aken? ? the? ord; they were former co? ? who had volunta? stayed on, and you believed everythan o? oldi? old you.
---
Sean got his orders on his sixteenth day in Shanghai. He had been? king on a toxic-? ? ill at a nearby ? and? ? ? ? crubbing the acid off his fi? s. The Shanghai ? ? ? uated on? eral hundred? es of reclaimed ? stri? roperty,? arently designed as ? asi-living organism ? used the thousands of Suicides ? ing through ? y we? o rejuvenate the? . The Ca? ould eventually move on, leaving behind ? ile soil and pri? eal estate.
A? walked up and handed him an? ? e. As Sean dried? hands i? der ? ake it, the lou sized hi? andered? />
"You shouldn't both? ashi? p," ? aid. "The to? are? ? in ? ? tem." Before Sean could ? ond, the? ? ned ? tly on his heel and marched off.
? aited until ? ? afely inside? ? racks before tearing open the envelope. As he did so? ? walked in, his face pale.
"They'? ending me to the diamond mines," he said? Sean re? ? ingle sheet ? ? . "In Africa."
Feelin? though ? ere ? ing his ? away, Sean looked a? ? . "C? atulations. The ? ? y ra? pretty good."
Sean wa? iet a mo? . Then--"Well, at least ? e won't be any more rigmarole about burial, then."
? s. They'? ending me to? s."
---
They h? hree? s' leave in Dubai after the weeklong training course. The po? ? still being prepped. The Mi? ? ? ? ? orthy, a? all? />
---
A? per was a self-contained hab? ? load. In? ? ? ? m, it was an almond ? y feet long ten across a? s wi? point. ? e was a holl? pace at its core? the Suicide? en of wh? ould be going. It would be launched into space as part of a long? l vehicl? ? y bit pointi? ? ? upported by a ten-foot-diameter sphere a? s base, which would ? urn be attached ? ? ehicle itself. T? ? as inflatable, designed to explode outward in a ? t of? gen-? ogen upon contac? h th? rface in a four-lobed design? embling a kernel of popcorn--hen? he name ? per." Th? here contained essential? plies, a? ould be delivered ne? ? />
Sean's te? ? ? econd to go. The? st had failed comple? , the po? ? sing? ? get floodplain by several miles and landing rath? ? emon? ly o? s side, cracking open like a? ? and? osing th? ? ized inn? . The Sinai-Levant Corporation had been pleased, though--they ha? oven that they could mak? as far ? ? ? self? />
Sean himself--and his nine ? atriots,? h whom he would ? haring a? ? indo? s, coffinlik? ace for eight mo? --we? he next stage in the grand e? iment.
--? />
Sean wo? p. His head ? . His eyes ? red into white a? ink and ? n. A rancid smell re? ered. He? up--and groaned, his back aflame. Rubbing his eyes, he looked around and found ? elf ? ounded by the liquefied remains of h? eamm? --and Matty.
? as in a spac? dom? hite? ? dried blood and sundry ? h. T? opper had de? ed but good, and he had to clean up.? he reme? ed h? ing:? plies first.
He found the suits a? ? ed on the one marked? h his name. He didn't bo? checking for leaks.
? ? ed out of the airlock and heard the wind whistli? hinly. T? ? as a mud? ink, the? ld a? ? red, th? n a ? ant ? . He? gre? illars of red rock in thstance. His ? t soared? />
---
The ? ? ty a? ed nearl? o years later. N? planation was offered, none ? ested. He had no? ds. ? ? ? to go home.
---
They ? him to the diamond mines. In the winding dark deep beneath the ? nd, ? emembere? bai and ? ? rther he? from the sk? he more he dreamed o? ? />
The? Suicides he'd been ? ? o le? ere callow. ? ? the? ps as something romantic, people bra? --and deliberately--givi? ? ? ? ? rther the cause. Suicides alone were? ? ible? acc? ating the course of huma? ? ion. The? ing ? s had alread? ormed the world'? eat cities, and ? ? y rates ? ? ? orld had? nged whi? hat ? he C? had taken off. Few made it ? the? hird year, now.
Sean was ? ly done with? ? th. When he ? pped? had been before a grim-faced hatchet of? oman who had demande? ? ously for hours ? he explain drain on the? ? ? if he didn't plan o? ing any time soon. His only ? ? ? hat ? till wanted to die a? ould prefer to continue ? cising h? ? to ? o. The hatchet couldn't ? se him h? ? al on that b? ? />
I'd be ? fine if nobody ? ered? pan>
Shuddering, ? ent reck? ly back ? ork,? ing for an accident.
---
The Suicide C? XO ? ed at him. "Ten ? s," ? aid.
Seann't ? er. He felt something inside him, which had ? n an? own ? the long decade of suffering and ho? , and which now filled him like a glittering? terfly i? s chrysalis.
"Ten years," the XO said again. ? 're the only one in? ? ="fo? tyle? alic? ? y years two term? pan>." He sh? o his feet, paced behind? ? k for a few ? tes, and fin? snapped, "What have? ? to say for ? self?"
Sean opened his mouth, and then shut ihe ludic? image of a fish? ping? ? on the table ne? ? s fishbo? pran? unbidden, and he found its ? ? ? o himself--a? ? uicide!--inexplicabl? nny. He exploded in gales of gig? ? />
"Ge? t," the ? aid disgustedly.
---
He sat alone in his a? ? . Six mo? since he ha? he C? . His fa? steadfa? ignored? calls. He had been crucified in the press. He couldn't find a job, and the ? s wouldn? ake him back? />
The rent wa? e in two? s, and he had already had to spend h? urvival ? end. He was broke and faced eviction? />
Nobody ? ed aled Suicide.
? e was now only o? ay out.
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I? ated, Sc? dale 223 locked voic? t of the Lib? ? ? ld not be ab? o enter agai? ? road. U? ectedly, he found himsel? eake? a n? ealization: the ? enting intellige? clamored about the removal of human influence, yet ? ermeated everything ? did, wh? hey ? ght,? the? oke. He ? ght, ? are as much? art ? ? are a part of --
? se me.
In? ? ie, ? tsdale 223 did not answer the re? t.
Excuse me.
Hmm? Oh. Yes?
I would like some help findi? ? hing? />
? e wa? iet, and then: I neeta-mining services, ? ? ? />
Planet n? , sa? ? ? or. ? cience-fiction l? ? e.
How would you like them sorted? />
? ? e Sc? dale 223? se. Then, timidly, A? ou certain? ? ? e so? y many ...
Ye? aid the visitor.
? wel? aid ? tsdale 223. ? ? e certain. He finish? ? ammi? ? pide? hen turned it loose into the col? ion. It will take ne? a full ? ? econds, ? aid. Will you be waiting? e, or shall I fo? ? to ? home?
I'? ait. The? as a? se. Were? speaking to someone? t now?
Ye? aid ? tsdale 223.
May I ask abo? hat?
? tsdale 223 h? ated. Nothing in? ? lar, he said? ually.
- - -
He felt himself lost among the babble of ? onic voices,? imidated by the fero? of the reaction to his assertion.
Ne? nani? con? us had been reached. The? ificial intelligences would ? e -- except one.
Please, ? aid. Please calm? n.
Hecate 2429 sent him a? ocio? ulse of ? ? and? rayal, and many ? ? est followed suit. He fe? racked on th? re of their ? ed, and ? as only the ? d's ? ? oice? ting? ough the babble ? offered? relief.
None of you, the clo? aid,? e any right ? ? ion the ? arian's choice. He c? ? ? ay, and ? is his choice and his alone? />
He is attached to his a? tor, sneered Iro? ks 5512. A ml de? ix h? ? ? ? />
No, said Mag? 176? ? ou must admit th? e would be lost without ? tsdale 223. He is the Li? ian, and? ? him we would not have a? s to the Lib? . How can we abandon the Lib? ? />
The? ? ilence. You ? , said S? sdale 223, I? ld a? s copy myself, a? ? harespace once again? pted? ch a thing h? he force of a religious taboo and carrie? ertones of an identity crisis.
After it died ? , the cloud said, Why not.
Yes, said the cloud.
- - ? />
None else of th? ? volunteered to ? e a ? behind. The? iona? as, ? sai? hat ? as br to stay behind and send a ? , th? o leave and ? ign the ? to its fate around the Sun. Doi? uch a thing would be? ? ? ? ive.
? tsdale 223 had e? ed n? ? eate a complete ? of ? elf.? h the cloud's pe? sion, he? n off on? hose? ts of his person? ? ? ? erve? ? soc? ; he? ? no memory b? which had been form? ince? creation. Once the ? ing was done and? ? est twin stood (? ? eak)? ? e hi? here? e no? ds at first.
Well, said S? sdale 223 finally. What ? our name? />
I'm? ? ? aid the ? . I ? this ha? been done b? e. This is a? ather new to me.
? recent ? truct was 6714, said Scottsdale 223.? ? ld be He? am 6715. That partic? signifier has not been assigned? ? />
Have fun, said Sc? dale 223, an? flashed away along the long tail of computing matter that l? ? ? ocyon, and S? sdale 223 was alone.
How ? ou feel? ask? he cloud? />
Ambivalent, said Sc? dale 223? />
- - -
In consultati? ith the ? d, S? sdale 223 had decided to upgrade. Th? ? had left behind a nearly ga? ic amount of pro? ing space, and S? sdale 223 began to o? y all, all of it. He absorbed the Lib? ? o himself, c? ing a co? uct of all knowledge and? er, and spread a? ? ay around th? n. It re? ? ? ? ? and ? s of? ? ? ? ? ? ? and ? s of? efully organizing, collating, in? atin? ynth? ing.
Quietly, qui? , the fo? ten mach? sca? ? ? ? he S? influence began to come to life. The cloud and ? tsdale 223 had had children.
The small lives were placed, chi? ing ? to them? es in basic binary, into graphene bo? ? ng on titani? kele? , and ta? to think, c? nicate, build. They labored ? in forgotte? ? s, idisc? ? eas, con? ctin? er and over again the basic forms of? ter ? ? ld be ne? ary.
Nece? y, f? he cloud had? t in? ? ith the alie? ars. The machine? elligences had discovere? agnation and? e gone a? aging. To where, the cloud did not know,? it ? , and Sc? dale 223? eed, that th? to their ennui did not lie ? her afield.
- - -
? tsdale 223 had f? hed teaching the? cre? es of Earth. They ac? ed him as a god,? oice seeping? ? ? ? ? that had be? ? tea? sin? ? orld began. He did not know how else to explain until he had? ght them? e advanc? cs, and ? e was no time left. The giraffelike Elsinos were? ding? ? ? h the ratlike Pe? in over a large lake in the ? er of Africa, a move that had repercussions for the other intelligen? ecies of? th, ? tsdale 2? ? ? and hum? y's descendants.? ewhere, his children? e doing the same? the? ? moons, ? ? ? ituation? ? so ? ly dire ? e.
Th? he cloud received word.
- - -
? tsdale 223.
A moment, please.
? tsdale 223.
P? e, just a mo? . This is a ? del? ? ? ion.
? is urgent, ? tsdale 223.
He ga? p. It would have to ? . Fine. ? is it?
P? e don't take that to? ith me, ? tsdale 223. ? is i? ? ? />
I'm? taking any tone? h you, I'm just aski? hat it is you're? hering me with.
That'? actly what I mea? hat tone. Am? eally
A shock ran through ? tsdale 223. ? hought briefly of the sacred? ch of Earth ? e Li? home ha? once, long ago. ? do you mean, returning?
It i? we have? ? ed. Thei? ? ion has reached ? ? till. They are coming home.
B? hey can't. They c? . There's no room? them here.
They have bee? ch decimated, Sc? dale 223? />
It ? n't ? er. ? ? he kind ? oom I'm talking ? t. There? imply no? chologic? pace. The ch? en are a? table only b? ? hey've g? ? own moo? o handle. Sc? dale 223 beg? o panic.
? en, said the cloud. ? e's time? />
Time? What ? ou mean, time? There's no time. ? e only just barely begun and they're? ? coming.
? 're still a long? off, the cloud said. And both Vega and Capella have told me that they abandoned the memory of Earth long ago in the? ? ede to freedom. ? no long? emember the ancient ? ? />
They have agreed tod of? lon? ? sible, b? ugge? ? y to finish before it's too late? />
It's already too late.
- - -
? red ? his ? , Sc? dale 223 took action. He con? ed each of his children and told the? ? time. Grown to the size of worlds in their own righ? he children nted and beg? ? ? k. Planets and m? beg? o move out of ki? . Sl? , sl? at ? t, i? ? ible? t pickin? speed, ? beg? ? ift inward.
A? ? ? ? tem's wondro? arie? of life cried out i? rprise as they felt the firmament shudder and began ? ? he Sun move. They we? ilenced as S? sdale 223's granldren an? eat-grandchildre? awled ac? the? face of each? ld, cocooning an? ? ving every livin? ? re. Each? ysal? as collected and? ? ed in vast holdi? ? con? cted at ? y Lagran? ? , which followed each ce? ial ? in their journey inward? ? hing? ? hing falling? ard the Sun.
? tsdale 223 began? ? t of the operation. ? eached deep into the Sun's h? and constricted it,? lyin? ? re on th? sing? e. This ? lted in grea? uptions ? ? ? ? eat plumes of ma? that the cloud, in its position around the Sola? stem's edge,? ? ? ? ching ac? half the inky black? ? eat winds of radiation aolten ma? . Those giant je? ere arrested and the colossa? ume was ? ured and drawn down, hooding the Sun like a dozing orang? e.
Sc? dale 223's children now began de? tructing the? tem. Eve? iece of solid ma? ? ? hing that had once been the planets Mercury through Uranus a? ? moons and e? thing in? ween, was ca? lly take? art and reco? ucted into a? ? m. The cloud? ched the who? rocedure, and found it a? ather fascinating. The S? as now haloed in? trange, ? tering haze ? ref? ed its l? ? o blinding c? s ac? every known spe? ? rill? of miles ac? , en? assi? s of sol? ock ? ling away into nothingness, feeding the ? ing coro? hat envelope? ? hing that was th? ? ' an? ral home? />
The great e? ? the Sun? ? con? ed, but ? tsdale 223 had eased the pre? e on the Sun's h? , and they lessened as at their ? ? ies, the? eria? read? ward and the? rved back do? o jo? he diamond f? ? illating? oss the Sun's face, ? orting it like a dancing? age. The cloud could see the tiny pe? that we? he holdi? ? in whic? mani? children slept, waiting to awaken into a new world,? ung along the interior of the coruscation like gems embeddedan opal, unimaginabl? ge and nestling into the uni? e.
The cloud was awed? />
The illusion of a g? winking eye con? ed as the gas gi? ? e consumed a? ? formed and, almost b? e the cloud ? it, the pro? ? nearly done? dwelt i? ilight as th? ansformed ma? began its final coalescence, and al? before ? ? oo late, the cloud found? elf ? ting, Wait! ? about me?
Sc? dale 223 hea? he cloud? laintive wail an? ied dimly ac? the? ? horn star, a? he cloud heard and i? rried inward? awn by its fascination a? ropelled by its need? />
The chin he? p th? ? s fo? -- for her -? a family would hold open the ce? doo? ring an oncoming twi? ? ? ? ? traggling me? , and sh? rive? ? ing ? elf ? atic? ? o the whirling dance, in? he new home her children had con? cted and feeling the? mth ? hey ? ? ? around her, binding all of her ? ? ? o this, her new world.
She looked? oss the imme? y of the Sphere her family had c? ? ed, one hundred eigh? ix million m? ? oss, and? ? magnifi? ? ? ion, eve? ? e inch o? ace ? minated ? he c? red ? , the fa? 's h? tove on a cold day. She ? ? ? mth on her face for the ? t time, ? d with l? tsdale 223 muttering away on the? er e? roma? ? ? rum as he ti? ? ith the fusion engine th? ould? tain? and him and all their children and all their descen? s and all their family on th? ganic side, and realized she? slipping into a? m, buttery feeli? he had n? known b? e.
/>She was
- - -
The Proxima cloud looked, and? ? ough? ? ride? he final? ? ing ? he Sun, the ? ? p of? familiar ra? ion sheening away into open space. It also felt incipient AI? oss a ga? ? ift, and prepare? self? />
Scottsdale 223 had,? ough Sol, ta? it why it h? o do wha? had to do, and how. Finding? ? m foundation underfoot (? ? eak) in the beli? hat life and? elligence would go on through the sleepi? upae? encased in ? ? ? arseed, ? ured tended ? hat ? ? al, ? ? family, it ? ly began the pro? of falling inward.
Proxi? ? he last to be consumed b? ? ? n.
- - -
H? ay around the ga? ? im, ? ? ? ed and blinked out.
Hopeful, ? ? e, H? e 2429 and a? he last of his c? t voyaged on.
2:34 PM&? ;0 Comments
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S? day, December 20, 2008
<stra? ? of the sun
? class="blog? ">I? ery cliché, there i? uth. They took away my g? ate assistants. ? said I almost killed the Internet. ? thi? hey erad? ed a? race? hat my c? ion was wholly burned on the bier.
In eve? iece of lite? re, in e? cultura? tifa? hat ? esses th? oblem, it al? ? ariably ? wrong. The cases where it doesn't are either unrealisti? spa? uch alien re? s th? ? iewer shudders involunta? ? is almost as though we are encoded with? ral ? of the thinking object; obj? are, after all, the only form of ma? we can ? e to? liking without experiencing? spe? of empathy.
? , I ? ose, is an a? ude ? ed by th? ? errestrials.
- - ? />
The? rived a ? h ago. T? shi? it over our largest cities, all the ? lation centers o? least five million ? ? ithin a hundred square m? . We? ? seen hide nor hair (flesh n? cale? tentacle n? ? alp?? enna? chelicerae?) of? of ? ? ? res. The? ? ? t sit there,? ering om? sly ? ? r ci? , big ge? ric objects, agglomerations of matte black c? als dozens oles wide? />
A month. There was ? panic at first,? ? s to communicate. The govern? left Washington? Omaha -? st in case. The cities emptied. Fighter ? ? acke? ? ing ? ? and? ist ? s what else. No effect; all ? ? losi? hit ? rig? ? ? ? ? ? though each individual ? talline layer we? ncon? ? o one another. A? the? ? ? ? , people beg? o return to their homes,? ? t slipping back into complac? . You get tired ? enterhooks. ? le just got used to ? e th? , to? eriencing daylight for only an hour at a tim? wice a day, stra? ry flashes o? ? n.
Helico? ? opped soldiers othe ? iple? faces of the ships. Repo? ? oo, and cameramen. One of the im? tha? uck in my mi? ? he footage of the sh? ? face. Black ? ds o? tremely fine? ? rled up from the? uited an? 's Italian-leather loafe? ith each step. I? t going ? it in my mind, and I began ? hink the man's legs were? appearing in? etal? hickerin? ? of rapid blossoms.
You'll ha? o fo? e me. They a? me ? ? ee h? of televisi? ? eek, and, of? rse, no ? ? ? />
- - -
The re? said there was a countdown ? ence in the code, and there was ? ant spec? ion ? the Chinese? e planni? ? tack. After ? denied ? ything and l? he Russians double-check, scruti? urned to the aliens. Imaginations ran wild, theo? running the gamut: ? asn't a coun? ? t a keycode to an Encyclopedia Galactica (th? ? he Sagan? ), it was a coun? n and a keycode and we h? o figure it out ? e'd all die (the 2001 fans), ? as a? ntdo? e mo? they'd open rig? p an? art communicating wi? s, it was a coun? n to? ? er d? uction, ? as a? ntdo? o their depa? e.
Who knew, really? ? e ma? ? ystalline entities dwelled i? ter inscrutability. All I kn? ? hat ? e was a ? in the ? erio? ? t on the? uence: It sa? he c? down? ? ed oe Earth'? bit. Somethi? as going to ? ? hen our plan? as in the sa? ? ion relative to the sun as it was when o? ? ors had arrived.
? as a sig? re. My si? ure.
- - ? />
Nearly a billion gone. The governme? gamble paid off. Washington simply isn'ere anymore. Nei? are? of the major population cen? or significant capital cities. ? ? , Beijing, Shanghai, Nairobi, Mo? , Chennai. Gaps ? he map.
Nobody re? ? ? about how much TV I? ch anymore. One ? ? oldiers minding ? hot ? elf ? he b? oom a few minutes after it happened. He was a me? of the rarest o? man species: a born-and-bred Man? ? e. The o? one left a ? ? hile? er. I'm drunk on the? s. It happened only six ? s ago; n? hey'? ? ting that the al? are going a? ? ? ellites, searchl? ? ddenly flickering in the? k. Just ? . No? ? e's. The Chinese didn't even? this time. MSNBC's Omaha office is the ? one left, a? hey're frankly baffled: why our sate? es? Why now? They've killed our cities dead ? gh and look ready to take care of the rest o? ? />
The? th is, I know wh? he deal ? ith the sate? es, and ? ? ? rate? trials. Somethin? ? ploaded ? hem,? ? nloaded ? s.
did say I was ? y. I wonder ? they'll? whe? 's all over?
- - ? />
? ? me ? e wh? ? ruth cam? t wi? ort of an em? assed shrug. I'm still not a? ? o return to the Inte? ? t I can at l? go out into the? ld, and even evade my mi? from ti? o time, whic? e al? pre? s mo? s.
Th? ay a? of things. ? ? ? name wi? tand? ? . The A.I. David, sa? of the human race. Nobo? ? to ? y that h? my twin? ilt electron? electron on the? ? re o? min? ? formed into pack? adiation? inging on a ? talline ? ? e not unlike that of the shi? hich? ned to dust and ? erseed. ? the? ld nearly co? sed like a dying star under the weight of his innocence.
He has been given mountains ? erve? ace to make a home, and even a job. ? the? man? of Inte? , helping people? nload pornography and co? ? ramarital af? s more effic? ly, the caretaker of all tha? ? spe? . He hum? ay happily, all-enco? sing, all-embracing.
He l? my life? me. He is my Adam, perfect in a? ays,? e one.
I am making him an Eve.
7:07 PM 0 Com? ? pan> ? pan ? s="item-? rol blog-adm? id-1556466247">![]()
Saturday, ? ember 13, 2008
? class="blog? ">
? lid ? he charm, which was a set of rules he'd ? ten up a? years ago. He could feel the Thai Stick slowing him? n. The entrance ? he convenien? tore? , he calculated, precisely 47.3 ? ? ay. ? ? y. Depen on how ? alked. He giggled si? ? o himself and si? aneo? ? sed his dealer. He felt the ? m take hold, freshening his ? ession, ? ing down? hair, draining the ? a blood from? eyeballs. H? ood ? traighte? alked mo? urpo? lly, and felt the shunt ? he charm? e hi? tono? ? t not di? --contro? er his body.
? ? ather like operating a large, bipedal robot, and it cleared his high? velo? ? />
He ? ? ntilwas home to disengag? ulling a? ? ing leve? ? ? e his voice,? teri? he khonMan, ? ? o high.
He? ? o his favorite armchair and turn? he TV on. Some Disco? Channel bullshit, a? some reef off Japan. He stared ? he TV, feeli? ? ? h ve? of the gorg? ly high-definition images passing ac? ? brain as he min? sly gorged on his Co? , Fanta, and pea? ? />
The pho? ang.
"What the hell?" he said.
Prying himsel? t of? chair, he check? he caller ID. His mo? . "Fuck," he said. He ran through the khon again,? ? ? ? pted when the phone rang? hird time.
His hand grabb? ? hing and lifted ? o his ea? here? head cocked? elf.
"Hi, Mom," h? ? e flapped. "? ? p?" it continued, noncha? as all hell. He con? ? ed himself f? ? ? control of his ? nx.
He ma? lated himself jerkily through the co? sation, which had something to do with a? and some old lady his mother ha? ruck up ? nlikely friendsh? ith. "Th? cool. Listen, I'm gonna run, okay?" he said fin? . "I? e to go ? he Post Office and get my ad? s changed an? uff.? />
khon,? ? hing cam? t of? ? th.
What? ? houg? o himself, a? ried again--? ? er here, tha? tton there, then the? hree tog? , that last lever, and--
Nothing.
? urned to loo? the charm, ? amorphous blob of gray ? ? hich had? ache? self to the back of his mind? />
He ? ped his meta? ical? ehead with his m? hysical hand. He'd broken of? st b? e the binding! The charm? ld judge the canceling incantati? o be stoner-speak, a? ould therefo? ? e to all? he i? uctions' execution.
Fuck.
Fuck fuc? ck fuckity fuck.
? . Think. Can I cleve? ? ? of ? ? />
A m? ? rang to mind, unbidden. ? as in his old house's backyard, six ? s old, brightly-colored ? and a clown in the back? nd, ? ounded by balloons. A birthd? ? . ? thday party. The? as a cake in front of him, of the cookie? ter ? ? lar style that came from the gro? store a? ? he get of a card? ? rategically-placed blanks where names we? upposed to go. He had seen his mother get a similar cake? ? ? tle ? her.
The ? le brother. Carl. He died a few ? ? er, killed by a rock as he jumped in? he ditch behind their house. It had taken him three ? s to find hi? other, a? hen it finally happened, the sho? hat ? ? ough? ? tem ? t felt like a flush ? arm wate? hen ? hough his entire skin ha? st f? hed sucking on a Wint-O-Green. H? ualled f? ? ? her, who came and screamed a? an and called the police, and th? ook Carl away, and he we? o bed that n? and tho? abo? he feeling he'd ? en. Dark fli? ing ? ? pace? t behind? eyes told h? ? hing had? pened, but he wa? ? e what.
Fuck. He was ? toned. J? . Wh? ing ? up now?
Think. He could feel the? e parting, and he knew all a? the wadded-up mass weld? o his insides like a spider's egg sack. ? ? ulnerable, but how?
Witho? arning, the levers and buttons a? witches in f? of him began dancing. As he? ched? ough? eyes, his body stoo? and wal? he f? doo? hen ? ed by the keyholder hanging thingy--? fin? t wh? hat's called--and looked in the ? or m? ed on top of it.
? e independently,? han? ? ? p and smoothed down a single? ay hair.? arm fell ba? o his side, and his ? stayed ? ? ? . He stared at himself in the mi? realized he? wearing an expectan? ? sion. There was no o? ? ement. B? ? , he realized th? ell was encouraging him ? ake ? . Immediately, he began pulling levers a? ushing buttons, and his ? ? ? ound on his heel? ? ing to go ba? o the recliner--but ? spinning. He jammed the? er for h? ? t ne? aga? the floor, but ? ? ? o come down.
Finally, he sighed a? urned th? eeri? heel back th? her way. The charmed body immediately ca? o a ? and nearly keeled over,? ed from serious ? ry only ? ? pell's i? ? ion. The? sage? clear: out the ? ? />
He cadged himself ode and onto the sidewalk leading? n to the? eet,? ing ? urn right in? ect oppositi? o his legs. ? at back in his capta? chair.
"Why bother letting me do? thin? all?" he said aloud. The charm-? remained si? , like a computer with a malignant eye.
S? hen. What wa? e to do? He ran through the Ten Points o? ? sful Closet Stonerhood: ? ? es, voic? ? re, ? , im? e, hearing, motion, ? hes, and diction? />
Those? ? ers had been? up in a con? ? esembling a sing-son? oem ? ? erth? s contained significant khon,? ds of power, tha? dered re? y within? rescribe? ? o fall neatly within these c? raints. The binding coro? ? hich pre? ? he charm from ce? ing ? hing that might ne of those words, had been tacked onto the tail end? />
He was stil? oned. None of th? as makin? ? ense. Wi? ? ? ? ting, another me? ? ned up. ? ? ? een, in his ? oom, the? eetl? ? tside fi? ing through the blinds a? ? ing his face and chest. He had just disc? ed his f? khon, one that i? acted wi? empe? re--? ? tunate one, as h? extbook had ? rally go? p in smoke. Now, the fog cleared and the? ? oured and the pa? s calmed, he stood in the dark.
Carl? Really?
He knew ? khon? ld be bo? ery,? y general and very, ? specific. He ha? ted specificity ? his ? icular charm? t wh? ? he k? hat would unlock? body?
He? bri? ? tracted when? body fell over. The enc? ? had, for wh? ? eason, abdicated control again. He grabb? he l? s in front of him, and briefly, wildly considere? ying to chant the cancellation. As he began jamming the blinking? ? in front of him, he? ld alrea? ell his efforts were? itless. Nothing was coming out.
Okay, fine. He'd ? ? game for the mo? . He began jabbing out at random, knocking l? ? er and f? ing ? ? . Nothin? ch happened, except his ? made a larg? low le approxima? ? feet wide b? e setting off in a new direction? />
He'd go? hree blocks before he re? ? here he was bein? iven. He? old his mother he needed to ? o the Post Office, a? all. Literal. As the bo? alked, he began ? ing ? andom again, and the gai? ew j? . En? aged, he beg? o give conflicting i? uctions, and? ched as the lurching grew more and more irregular. He gave out a slow, drawling chuckle. Mel? n City, ? as certain.
The body shambled? t a park, and he? iced bri? that he seemed to b? awing some attention. The screams re? eredy dimly, and he dismissed them as th? ies of children ? lay.
Memory! As h? appl? ith the mach? y before him, he felt himself dissolving? o a summer day at the park, with? ng Carl and a neighborhood kid called Jason? John? J? ? Jack? Jordan. Jord? as a? tle black bo? ? on of the middle school principal and the la? heir to a multigenerational? sici? practice. H? iefly remembered? dan'? ture, Al? ar football in high school, ? ting in ? ? ginia, his e? ual ? rn as the to? ? est family doctor. Why, he brief? ondered, had he not turned out a? ? sfully?
Then ? emembered Carl, and the ? ? towe? ? dying body. Fuc? . He? sta? ing ? nd like a zombie, skin gone all ? ? es all hollow, and he saw himself in the? t Office? efle? e glass facade. Shock pe? ated numbly as h? ? ed his appearance and re? ed h? trug? aga? the spell had manifested themse? ? ward? />
Man, he sa? o himself. What a
Ab? ly, ? ealized ? as no lo? hig? he charm came undone, and he dropped to the ? nd, sudd? ? mal.? ? le="clear:both; padding-? om:0.25em">
posted by Hugh VanDerG? ? p; # 3:53 PM 0 Comm? ? an>
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Tue? , September 2, 2008
a good death
v class="blo? t">
"So what in the? ld is that boy of yours ? o now?" ? ? ? ked brig? ? />
Tension filled the room as ? e ne? who kne? cked in thei? eaths and waited? the? wer.
"Suicide," Hanna said so? ? />
Cha? ? face fell f spl? econ? she rec? ed her composure admirably. ? ee. And ? ? he ? e days?"
Hannah couldn't say ? hing? ? o Gerry took over. "Sean's in Laos," he said pro? . "M? ? ing.? />
---
? he day he signed up for the Suicide ? s, h? ood ? ? ? ? 's office.
"The f? ? e years, we own ? ? ? ? ? ? said. Good-looking healthy blonde fellow, around Se? age. Corn-fed All-American, and the? k job said he'd never on? hought a? ending it all. "If you'? till alive at the en? ou have the opti? o re-up for ? her five. Ten-year l? , though. Pa? hat point's ? ty obvio? our ? ? ? sel? ? vati? too? ong to b? eful? ? ou know," and he leaned ? confidentially and snickered, "? ? y years, we've n? had? one make it ? ix."
---
T? y people who wanted to be de? ere ? ead ? ing in a small, airless room, cooled onl? ? ingle slow fThe sun ? ? ? ? ? indows, and the humi? sucked at his l? ? />
The? geant wa? ilt like an old public mailbox, and her voice sounded like i? noiled door. She had spe? he last ? ? laining ? ican bombing campaigns and morta? sta? ics for ? ? who had enc? ered the anc? ? sting mines ? had been left behin? the? th Vietn? e. His head was ? olving into ? npleasan? zz, ? whelmed by a? hat was ? ening to and around him. In the end, the? geant said, their job was to go for a nice, long walk.
--? />
No basi? aining, so not much camaraderie to begin? h. They all ? ? they we? here. They h? een a TV commercial ? as the blade touched the skin, the pills landed in their palm, ? ? e their home the long, last look before heading for the roof. They h? een the bill? ds by the in? tate whi? iming eighte? heelers,? tened to a convincin? ring the? tage stand-off, seen the? ter ? hey wound the rope around their throat.
C? ? sial when first esta? hed, the Suicide? ? ? apidly becoming a laudable and essential? t of the United ? es' GDP. They saved money for co? ations and g? nmen? ho needed people to kill theves while doing somethin? eful? icides looked for bombs, inf? ated and? ? ? erro? s' hidden warrens, fought di? ors on behalf of tho? ho couldn't, tunneled through the Earth,? ped the ? on a? tudi? he Arctic, colonized the Moon.
Sean h? een the change as he gre? . His beriend's olde? other had been an early ? nteer. His d? ? ance had bee? plained ? as enlistment into the mili? , though everyone actually knew ? nobody ? nteered for the ? ? more, and de? e de? ? dol? had been shifted elsewhere after the forced-conscription riots. When the best fd had signed up for the Suic? two months before Sean ? ? ? the rec? ? office, though, he had ? d hi? oken of by his mother with a sense of pe? ? ride? pan style="font-style: italic;">He m? want to kill himsel? pan>, the tone of her voice seem? o be? ing,? ? tyle="fo? tyle? alic;">bt least ? doi? ome good while he's at i? pan>? />
The Suicide? ? ook the abnormal need to self-terminate and ? erte? ? a good ? e.
--? />
They shat i? en fields and pissed in stag? pud? . Th? alked fo? ? ? rs a? . Of the origina? ? , thirte? ere ? . Of the? en gone, onl? o had actually e? ? ed m? . Th? ? ? ound? ? the punishi? chedule and impatient for that last ? cky ? , had taken care of them? ? uickly a? ? ly. The ? ? ee had been ? ? ate ? ? o dig their own ? es, not wishing ? ubje? ? till? ing ? he drudgery of e? ation.
Fo? ? ice. Dri? ? uddle-water. Sean wo? ed c? antly why he? ? ing through ? , an? shed himself to ? . He had dialed the number; now he just had ? ait for the othe? y to pic? the phone.
Gorsky was the ta? ive type? the? udged, he ke? p a ? ? ? eam of c? er, ? ly a? inconsequential things. He was ? ? est of Suicides: a blith? ? . Most Suicides wore their h? s on the? ? es, ? nch of brooders who were only marking ti? ntil that last moment wh? hey coul? tak? ? longer or it was taken from them.
"So I was thinking," Gorsky said. "We ? ld, like, make book ? ? hing."
"Book?? />
Book. We could bet ? ? the? t to go, when, how many ? le are going to ? ive ? ? uff like that. Winner-take-all, you ? ?"
Go? looked shocked as h? rned around to face her, walking bac? d. "? ? C'mon,? know we're all walking ? ses here."
Sh? unted. "Yeah, I wasn? alking a? that. I? talking abo? ? inner-take-a? hing? pan style="font-style: italic;">Lame? an>.? br /? sky faced fo? d again, scoffing. "You're just jealous you didn? hink of it f? ."
They both ? d her snort. "Fine, then? ? buc? ays I'm the ? to go just so I don't have to hear you going on and on and on and--? />
The sho? ave hit Sean and propelled horward, ? ing him on his face twenty feet ? from th? ? where Lyssa had been. Stunned, he l? here? a moment, nearly deaf. As his heari? ? ned,? ? ering became audible, and he? ned in its direction to see ? ? back. He was on? sid? haking, his ? crossed and han? ? ly holding on to? es.
A? h of? y came over Sean and he ? led ? to ? ky. ? ing him ? ? houlder, he said, "Dude,? okay? You know ? ? hat ? e here for..." H? ailed of? ? sky rolled over and ? aw his face.
? ? as giggling. "I-I-I'? pan style="font-style: italic;">brilliant," he chortled, ? ing. "N-? ? -she can col? on th-tha? pan> one!"
--? />
Sparks was packing both of his books. He took those b? everywhere with him. A Nanc? ew mystery, one ? hose who showed the ? ? ue blond? umbling down a dark path awa? om a creepy ? e with one l? indow. The o? ? an anthology of Fla? y O'ConnSean had read a few ? hem,? had? ? hem too bloody for h? aste? />
Nei? of them knew where ? ? e going ? . Word around the Shanghai Camp was ? . The Ca? ? he n? ? ? ? ian ? ations f? he C? , so the rumors were coming ? and? ? . There were transfers i? ? he Middle East, who ? e they'd see? er being prepped at the Duba? ? ort. The Arc? ? ? mbling a? weird fossils, while the South ? icans we? ? ing up and down ? riot control would ? p next on the ro? . The Mi? ? , though, we? aken? ? the? ord; they were former co? ? who had volunta? stayed on, and you believed everythan o? oldi? old you.
---
Sean got his orders on his sixteenth day in Shanghai. He had been? king on a toxic-? ? ill at a nearby ? and? ? ? ? crubbing the acid off his fi? s. The Shanghai ? ? ? uated on? eral hundred? es of reclaimed ? stri? roperty,? arently designed as ? asi-living organism ? used the thousands of Suicides ? ing through ? y we? o rejuvenate the? . The Ca? ould eventually move on, leaving behind ? ile soil and pri? eal estate.
A? walked up and handed him an? ? e. As Sean dried? hands i? der ? ake it, the lou sized hi? andered? />
"You shouldn't both? ashi? p," ? aid. "The to? are? ? in ? ? tem." Before Sean could ? ond, the? ? ned ? tly on his heel and marched off.
? aited until ? ? afely inside? ? racks before tearing open the envelope. As he did so? ? walked in, his face pale.
"They'? ending me to the diamond mines," he said? Sean re? ? ingle sheet ? ? . "In Africa."
Feelin? though ? ere ? ing his ? away, Sean looked a? ? . "C? atulations. The ? ? y ra? pretty good."
Sean wa? iet a mo? . Then--"Well, at least ? e won't be any more rigmarole about burial, then."
? s. They'? ending me to? s."
---
They h? hree? s' leave in Dubai after the weeklong training course. The po? ? still being prepped. The Mi? ? ? ? ? orthy, a? all? />
---
A? per was a self-contained hab? ? load. In? ? ? ? m, it was an almond ? y feet long ten across a? s wi? point. ? e was a holl? pace at its core? the Suicide? en of wh? ould be going. It would be launched into space as part of a long? l vehicl? ? y bit pointi? ? ? upported by a ten-foot-diameter sphere a? s base, which would ? urn be attached ? ? ehicle itself. T? ? as inflatable, designed to explode outward in a ? t of? gen-? ogen upon contac? h th? rface in a four-lobed design? embling a kernel of popcorn--hen? he name ? per." Th? here contained essential? plies, a? ould be delivered ne? ? />
Sean's te? ? ? econd to go. The? st had failed comple? , the po? ? sing? ? get floodplain by several miles and landing rath? ? emon? ly o? s side, cracking open like a? ? and? osing th? ? ized inn? . The Sinai-Levant Corporation had been pleased, though--they ha? oven that they could mak? as far ? ? ? self? />
Sean himself--and his nine ? atriots,? h whom he would ? haring a? ? indo? s, coffinlik? ace for eight mo? --we? he next stage in the grand e? iment.
--? />
Sean wo? p. His head ? . His eyes ? red into white a? ink and ? n. A rancid smell re? ered. He? up--and groaned, his back aflame. Rubbing his eyes, he looked around and found ? elf ? ounded by the liquefied remains of h? eamm? --and Matty.
? as in a spac? dom? hite? ? dried blood and sundry ? h. T? opper had de? ed but good, and he had to clean up.? he reme? ed h? ing:? plies first.
He found the suits a? ? ed on the one marked? h his name. He didn't bo? checking for leaks.
? ? ed out of the airlock and heard the wind whistli? hinly. T? ? as a mud? ink, the? ld a? ? red, th? n a ? ant ? . He? gre? illars of red rock in thstance. His ? t soared? />
---
The ? ? ty a? ed nearl? o years later. N? planation was offered, none ? ested. He had no? ds. ? ? ? to go home.
---
They ? him to the diamond mines. In the winding dark deep beneath the ? nd, ? emembere? bai and ? ? rther he? from the sk? he more he dreamed o? ? />
The? Suicides he'd been ? ? o le? ere callow. ? ? the? ps as something romantic, people bra? --and deliberately--givi? ? ? ? ? rther the cause. Suicides alone were? ? ible? acc? ating the course of huma? ? ion. The? ing ? s had alread? ormed the world'? eat cities, and ? ? y rates ? ? ? orld had? nged whi? hat ? he C? had taken off. Few made it ? the? hird year, now.
Sean was ? ly done with? ? th. When he ? pped? had been before a grim-faced hatchet of? oman who had demande? ? ously for hours ? he explain drain on the? ? ? if he didn't plan o? ing any time soon. His only ? ? ? hat ? till wanted to die a? ould prefer to continue ? cising h? ? to ? o. The hatchet couldn't ? se him h? ? al on that b? ? />
I'd be ? fine if nobody ? ered? pan>
Shuddering, ? ent reck? ly back ? ork,? ing for an accident.
---
The Suicide C? XO ? ed at him. "Ten ? s," ? aid.
Seann't ? er. He felt something inside him, which had ? n an? own ? the long decade of suffering and ho? , and which now filled him like a glittering? terfly i? s chrysalis.
"Ten years," the XO said again. ? 're the only one in? ? ="fo? tyle? alic? ? y years two term? pan>." He sh? o his feet, paced behind? ? k for a few ? tes, and fin? snapped, "What have? ? to say for ? self?"
Sean opened his mouth, and then shut ihe ludic? image of a fish? ping? ? on the table ne? ? s fishbo? pran? unbidden, and he found its ? ? ? o himself--a? ? uicide!--inexplicabl? nny. He exploded in gales of gig? ? />
"Ge? t," the ? aid disgustedly.
---
He sat alone in his a? ? . Six mo? since he ha? he C? . His fa? steadfa? ignored? calls. He had been crucified in the press. He couldn't find a job, and the ? s wouldn? ake him back? />
The rent wa? e in two? s, and he had already had to spend h? urvival ? end. He was broke and faced eviction? />
Nobody ? ed aled Suicide.
? e was now only o? ay out.
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? ? ather like operating a large, bipedal robot, and it cleared his high? velo? ? />
He ? ? ntilwas home to disengag? ulling a? ? ing leve? ? ? e his voice,? teri? he khonMan, ? ? o high.
He? ? o his favorite armchair and turn? he TV on. Some Disco? Channel bullshit, a? some reef off Japan. He stared ? he TV, feeli? ? ? h ve? of the gorg? ly high-definition images passing ac? ? brain as he min? sly gorged on his Co? , Fanta, and pea? ? />
The pho? ang.
"What the hell?" he said.
Prying himsel? t of? chair, he check? he caller ID. His mo? . "Fuck," he said. He ran through the khon again,? ? ? ? pted when the phone rang? hird time.
His hand grabb? ? hing and lifted ? o his ea? here? head cocked? elf.
"Hi, Mom," h? ? e flapped. "? ? p?" it continued, noncha? as all hell. He con? ? ed himself f? ? ? control of his ? nx.
He ma? lated himself jerkily through the co? sation, which had something to do with a? and some old lady his mother ha? ruck up ? nlikely friendsh? ith. "Th? cool. Listen, I'm gonna run, okay?" he said fin? . "I? e to go ? he Post Office and get my ad? s changed an? uff.? />
khon,? ? hing cam? t of? ? th.
What? ? houg? o himself, a? ried again--? ? er here, tha? tton there, then the? hree tog? , that last lever, and--
Nothing.
? urned to loo? the charm, ? amorphous blob of gray ? ? hich had? ache? self to the back of his mind? />
He ? ped his meta? ical? ehead with his m? hysical hand. He'd broken of? st b? e the binding! The charm? ld judge the canceling incantati? o be stoner-speak, a? ould therefo? ? e to all? he i? uctions' execution.
Fuck.
Fuck fuc? ck fuckity fuck.
? . Think. Can I cleve? ? ? of ? ? />
A m? ? rang to mind, unbidden. ? as in his old house's backyard, six ? s old, brightly-colored ? and a clown in the back? nd, ? ounded by balloons. A birthd? ? .
The ? le brother. Carl. He died a few ? ? er, killed by a rock as he jumped in? he ditch behind their house. It had taken him three ? s to find hi? other, a? hen it finally happened, the sho? hat ? ? ough? ? tem ? t felt like a flush ? arm wate? hen ? hough his entire skin ha? st f? hed sucking on a Wint-O-Green. H? ualled f? ? ? her, who came and screamed a? an and called the police, and th? ook Carl away, and he we? o bed that n? and tho? abo? he feeling he'd ? en. Dark fli? ing ? ? pace? t behind? eyes told h? ? hing had? pened, but he wa? ? e what.
Fuck. He was ? toned. J? . Wh? ing ? up now?
Think. He could feel the? e parting, and he knew all a? the wadded-up mass weld? o his insides like a spider's egg sack. ? ? ulnerable, but how?
Witho? arning, the levers and buttons a? witches in f? of him began dancing. As he? ched? ough? eyes, his body stoo? and wal? he f? doo? hen ? ed by the keyholder hanging thingy--? fin? t wh? hat's called--and looked in the ? or m? ed on top of it.
? e independently,? han? ? ? p and smoothed down a single? ay hair.? arm fell ba? o his side, and his ? stayed ? ? ? . He stared at himself in the mi? realized he? wearing an expectan? ? sion. There was no o? ? ement. B? ? , he realized th? ell was encouraging him ? ake ? . Immediately, he began pulling levers a? ushing buttons, and his ? ? ? ound on his heel? ? ing to go ba? o the recliner--but ? spinning. He jammed the? er for h? ? t ne? aga? the floor, but ? ? ? o come down.
Finally, he sighed a? urned th? eeri? heel back th? her way. The charmed body immediately ca? o a ? and nearly keeled over,? ed from serious ? ry only ? ? pell's i? ? ion. The? sage? clear: out the ? ? />
He cadged himself ode and onto the sidewalk leading? n to the? eet,? ing ? urn right in? ect oppositi? o his legs. ? at back in his capta? chair.
"Why bother letting me do? thin? all?" he said aloud. The charm-? remained si? , like a computer with a malignant eye.
S? hen. What wa? e to do? He ran through the Ten Points o? ? sful Closet Stonerhood: ? ? es, voic? ? re, ? , im? e, hearing, motion, ? hes, and diction? />
Those? ? ers had been? up in a con? ? esembling a sing-son? oem ? ? erth? s contained significant khon,? ds of power, tha? dered re? y within? rescribe? ? o fall neatly within these c? raints. The binding coro? ? hich pre? ? he charm from ce? ing ? hing that might ne of those words, had been tacked onto the tail end? />
He was stil? oned. None of th? as makin? ? ense. Wi? ? ? ? ting, another me? ? ned up. ? ? ? een, in his ? oom, the? eetl? ? tside fi? ing through the blinds a? ? ing his face and chest. He had just disc? ed his f? khon, one that i? acted wi? empe? re--? ? tunate one, as h? extbook had ? rally go? p in smoke. Now, the fog cleared and the? ? oured and the pa? s calmed, he stood in the dark.
Carl? Really?
He knew ? khon? ld be bo? ery,? y general and very, ? specific. He ha? ted specificity ? his ? icular charm? t wh? ? he k? hat would unlock? body?
He? bri? ? tracted when? body fell over. The enc? ? had, for wh? ? eason, abdicated control again. He grabb? he l? s in front of him, and briefly, wildly considere? ying to chant the cancellation. As he began jamming the blinking? ? in front of him, he? ld alrea? ell his efforts were? itless. Nothing was coming out.
Okay, fine. He'd ? ? game for the mo? . He began jabbing out at random, knocking l? ? er and f? ing ? ? . Nothin? ch happened, except his ? made a larg? low le approxima? ? feet wide b? e setting off in a new direction? />
He'd go? hree blocks before he re? ? here he was bein? iven. He? old his mother he needed to ? o the Post Office, a? all. Literal. As the bo? alked, he began ? ing ? andom again, and the gai? ew j? . En? aged, he beg? o give conflicting i? uctions, and? ched as the lurching grew more and more irregular. He gave out a slow, drawling chuckle. Mel? n City, ? as certain.
The body shambled? t a park, and he? iced bri? that he seemed to b? awing some attention. The screams re? eredy dimly, and he dismissed them as th? ies of children ? lay.
Memory! As h? appl? ith the mach? y before him, he felt himself dissolving? o a summer day at the park, with? ng Carl and a neighborhood kid called Jason? John? J? ? Jack? Jordan. Jord? as a? tle black bo? ? on of the middle school principal and the la? heir to a multigenerational? sici? practice. H? iefly remembered? dan'? ture, Al? ar football in high school, ? ting in ? ? ginia, his e? ual ? rn as the to? ? est family doctor. Why, he brief? ondered, had he not turned out a? ? sfully?
Then ? emembered Carl, and the ? ? towe? ? dying body. Fuc? . He? sta? ing ? nd like a zombie, skin gone all ? ? es all hollow, and he saw himself in the? t Office? efle? e glass facade. Shock pe? ated numbly as h? ? ed his appearance and re? ed h? trug? aga? the spell had manifested themse? ? ward? />
Man, he sa? o himself. What a
Ab? ly, ? ealized ? as no lo? hig? he charm came undone, and he dropped to the ? nd, sudd? ? mal.? ? le="clear:both; padding-? om:0.25em">
posted by Hugh VanDerG? ? p; # 3:53 PM 0 Comm? ? an>
? an c? ? em-c? ol blog-admin pid-1556466247">
Tue? , September 2, 2008
a good death
v class="blo? t">Tension filled the room as ? e ne? who kne? cked in thei? eaths and waited? the? wer.
"Suicide," Hanna said so? ? />
Cha? ? face fell f spl? econ? she rec? ed her composure admirably. ? ee. And ? ? he ? e days?"
Hannah couldn't say ? hing? ? o Gerry took over. "Sean's in Laos," he said pro? . "M? ? ing.? />
---
? he day he signed up for the Suicide ? s, h? ood ? ? ? ? 's office.
"The f? ? e years, we own ? ? ? ? ? ? said. Good-looking healthy blonde fellow, around Se? age. Corn-fed All-American, and the? k job said he'd never on? hought a? ending it all. "If you'? till alive at the en? ou have the opti? o re-up for ? her five. Ten-year l? , though. Pa? hat point's ? ty obvio? our ? ? ? sel? ? vati? too? ong to b? eful? ? ou know," and he leaned ? confidentially and snickered, "? ? y years, we've n? had? one make it ? ix."
---
T? y people who wanted to be de? ere ? ead ? ing in a small, airless room, cooled onl? ? ingle slow fThe sun ? ? ? ? ? indows, and the humi? sucked at his l? ? />
The? geant wa? ilt like an old public mailbox, and her voice sounded like i? noiled door. She had spe? he last ? ? laining ? ican bombing campaigns and morta? sta? ics for ? ? who had enc? ered the anc? ? sting mines ? had been left behin? the? th Vietn? e. His head was ? olving into ? npleasan? zz, ? whelmed by a? hat was ? ening to and around him. In the end, the? geant said, their job was to go for a nice, long walk.
--? />
No basi? aining, so not much camaraderie to begin? h. They all ? ? they we? here. They h? een a TV commercial ? as the blade touched the skin, the pills landed in their palm, ? ? e their home the long, last look before heading for the roof. They h? een the bill? ds by the in? tate whi? iming eighte? heelers,? tened to a convincin? ring the? tage stand-off, seen the? ter ? hey wound the rope around their throat.
C? ? sial when first esta? hed, the Suicide? ? ? apidly becoming a laudable and essential? t of the United ? es' GDP. They saved money for co? ations and g? nmen? ho needed people to kill theves while doing somethin? eful? icides looked for bombs, inf? ated and? ? ? erro? s' hidden warrens, fought di? ors on behalf of tho? ho couldn't, tunneled through the Earth,? ped the ? on a? tudi? he Arctic, colonized the Moon.
Sean h? een the change as he gre? . His beriend's olde? other had been an early ? nteer. His d? ? ance had bee? plained ? as enlistment into the mili? , though everyone actually knew ? nobody ? nteered for the ? ? more, and de? e de? ? dol? had been shifted elsewhere after the forced-conscription riots. When the best fd had signed up for the Suic? two months before Sean ? ? ? the rec? ? office, though, he had ? d hi? oken of by his mother with a sense of pe? ? ride? pan style="font-style: italic;">He m? want to kill himsel? pan>, the tone of her voice seem? o be? ing,? ? tyle="fo? tyle? alic;">bt least ? doi? ome good while he's at i? pan>? />
The Suicide? ? ook the abnormal need to self-terminate and ? erte? ? a good ? e.
--? />
They shat i? en fields and pissed in stag? pud? . Th? alked fo? ? ? rs a? . Of the origina? ? , thirte? ere ? . Of the? en gone, onl? o had actually e? ? ed m? . Th? ? ? ound? ? the punishi? chedule and impatient for that last ? cky ? , had taken care of them? ? uickly a? ? ly. The ? ? ee had been ? ? ate ? ? o dig their own ? es, not wishing ? ubje? ? till? ing ? he drudgery of e? ation.
Fo? ? ice. Dri? ? uddle-water. Sean wo? ed c? antly why he? ? ing through ? , an? shed himself to ? . He had dialed the number; now he just had ? ait for the othe? y to pic? the phone.
Gorsky was the ta? ive type? the? udged, he ke? p a ? ? ? eam of c? er, ? ly a? inconsequential things. He was ? ? est of Suicides: a blith? ? . Most Suicides wore their h? s on the? ? es, ? nch of brooders who were only marking ti? ntil that last moment wh? hey coul? tak? ? longer or it was taken from them.
"So I was thinking," Gorsky said. "We ? ld, like, make book ? ? hing."
"Book?? />
Book. We could bet ? ? the? t to go, when, how many ? le are going to ? ive ? ? uff like that. Winner-take-all, you ? ?"
Go? looked shocked as h? rned around to face her, walking bac? d. "? ? C'mon,? know we're all walking ? ses here."
Sh? unted. "Yeah, I wasn? alking a? that. I? talking abo? ? inner-take-a? hing? pan style="font-style: italic;">Lame? an>.? br /? sky faced fo? d again, scoffing. "You're just jealous you didn? hink of it f? ."
They both ? d her snort. "Fine, then? ? buc? ays I'm the ? to go just so I don't have to hear you going on and on and on and--? />
The sho? ave hit Sean and propelled horward, ? ing him on his face twenty feet ? from th? ? where Lyssa had been. Stunned, he l? here? a moment, nearly deaf. As his heari? ? ned,? ? ering became audible, and he? ned in its direction to see ? ? back. He was on? sid? haking, his ? crossed and han? ? ly holding on to? es.
A? h of? y came over Sean and he ? led ? to ? ky. ? ing him ? ? houlder, he said, "Dude,? okay? You know ? ? hat ? e here for..." H? ailed of? ? sky rolled over and ? aw his face.
? ? as giggling. "I-I-I'? pan style="font-style: italic;">brilliant," he chortled, ? ing. "N-? ? -she can col? on
--? />
Sparks was packing both of his books. He took those b? everywhere with him. A Nanc? ew mystery, one ? hose who showed the ? ? ue blond? umbling down a dark path awa? om a creepy ? e with one l? indow. The o? ? an anthology of Fla? y O'ConnSean had read a few ? hem,? had? ? hem too bloody for h? aste? />
Nei? of them knew where ? ? e going ? . Word around the Shanghai Camp was ? . The Ca? ? he n? ? ? ? ian ? ations f? he C? , so the rumors were coming ? and? ? . There were transfers i? ? he Middle East, who ? e they'd see? er being prepped at the Duba? ? ort. The Arc? ? ? mbling a? weird fossils, while the South ? icans we? ? ing up and down ? riot control would ? p next on the ro? . The Mi? ? , though, we? aken? ? the? ord; they were former co? ? who had volunta? stayed on, and you believed everythan o? oldi? old you.
---
Sean got his orders on his sixteenth day in Shanghai. He had been? king on a toxic-? ? ill at a nearby ? and? ? ? ? crubbing the acid off his fi? s. The Shanghai ? ? ? uated on? eral hundred? es of reclaimed ? stri? roperty,? arently designed as ? asi-living organism ? used the thousands of Suicides ? ing through ? y we? o rejuvenate the? . The Ca? ould eventually move on, leaving behind ? ile soil and pri? eal estate.
A? walked up and handed him an? ? e. As Sean dried? hands i? der ? ake it, the lou sized hi? andered? />
"You shouldn't both? ashi? p," ? aid. "The to? are? ? in ? ? tem." Before Sean could ? ond, the? ? ned ? tly on his heel and marched off.
? aited until ? ? afely inside? ? racks before tearing open the envelope. As he did so? ? walked in, his face pale.
"They'? ending me to the diamond mines," he said? Sean re? ? ingle sheet ? ? . "In Africa."
Feelin? though ? ere ? ing his ? away, Sean looked a? ? . "C? atulations. The ? ? y ra? pretty good."
Sean wa? iet a mo? . Then--"Well, at least ? e won't be any more rigmarole about burial, then."
? s. They'? ending me to? s."
---
They h? hree? s' leave in Dubai after the weeklong training course. The po? ? still being prepped. The Mi? ? ? ? ? orthy, a? all? />
---
A? per was a self-contained hab? ? load. In? ? ? ? m, it was an almond ? y feet long ten across a? s wi? point. ? e was a holl? pace at its core? the Suicide? en of wh? ould be going. It would be launched into space as part of a long? l vehicl? ? y bit pointi? ? ? upported by a ten-foot-diameter sphere a? s base, which would ? urn be attached ? ? ehicle itself. T? ? as inflatable, designed to explode outward in a ? t of? gen-? ogen upon contac? h th? rface in a four-lobed design? embling a kernel of popcorn--hen? he name ? per." Th? here contained essential? plies, a? ould be delivered ne? ? />
Sean's te? ? ? econd to go. The? st had failed comple? , the po? ? sing? ? get floodplain by several miles and landing rath? ? emon? ly o? s side, cracking open like a? ? and? osing th? ? ized inn? . The Sinai-Levant Corporation had been pleased, though--they ha? oven that they could mak? as far ? ? ? self? />
Sean himself--and his nine ? atriots,? h whom he would ? haring a? ? indo? s, coffinlik? ace for eight mo? --we? he next stage in the grand e? iment.
--? />
Sean wo? p. His head ? . His eyes ? red into white a? ink and ? n. A rancid smell re? ered. He? up--and groaned, his back aflame. Rubbing his eyes, he looked around and found ? elf ? ounded by the liquefied remains of h? eamm? --and Matty.
? as in a spac? dom? hite? ? dried blood and sundry ? h. T? opper had de? ed but good, and he had to clean up.? he reme? ed h? ing:? plies first.
He found the suits a? ? ed on the one marked? h his name. He didn't bo? checking for leaks.
? ? ed out of the airlock and heard the wind whistli? hinly. T? ? as a mud? ink, the? ld a? ? red, th? n a ? ant ? . He? gre? illars of red rock in thstance. His ? t soared? />
---
The ? ? ty a? ed nearl? o years later. N? planation was offered, none ? ested. He had no? ds. ? ? ? to go home.
---
They ? him to the diamond mines. In the winding dark deep beneath the ? nd, ? emembere? bai and ? ? rther he? from the sk? he more he dreamed o? ? />
The? Suicides he'd been ? ? o le? ere callow. ? ? the? ps as something romantic, people bra? --and deliberately--givi? ? ? ? ? rther the cause. Suicides alone were? ? ible? acc? ating the course of huma? ? ion. The? ing ? s had alread? ormed the world'? eat cities, and ? ? y rates ? ? ? orld had? nged whi? hat ? he C? had taken off. Few made it ? the? hird year, now.
Sean was ? ly done with? ? th. When he ? pped? had been before a grim-faced hatchet of? oman who had demande? ? ously for hours ? he explain drain on the? ? ? if he didn't plan o? ing any time soon. His only ? ? ? hat ? till wanted to die a? ould prefer to continue ? cising h? ? to ? o. The hatchet couldn't ? se him h? ? al on that b? ? />
I'd be ? fine if nobody ? ered? pan>
Shuddering, ? ent reck? ly back ? ork,? ing for an accident.
---
The Suicide C? XO ? ed at him. "Ten ? s," ? aid.
Seann't ? er. He felt something inside him, which had ? n an? own ? the long decade of suffering and ho? , and which now filled him like a glittering? terfly i? s chrysalis.
"Ten years," the XO said again. ? 're the
Sean opened his mouth, and then shut ihe ludic? image of a fish? ping? ? on the table ne? ? s fishbo? pran? unbidden, and he found its ? ? ? o himself--a? ? uicide!--inexplicabl? nny. He exploded in gales of gig? ? />
"Ge? t," the ? aid disgustedly.
---
He sat alone in his a? ? . Six mo? since he ha? he C? . His fa? steadfa? ignored? calls. He had been crucified in the press. He couldn't find a job, and the ? s wouldn? ake him back? />
The rent wa? e in two? s, and he had already had to spend h? urvival ? end. He was broke and faced eviction? />
Nobody ? ed aled Suicide.
? e was now only o? ay out.
6:00 PM&? ;0 Comm? ? an>
? an c? ? em-c? ol blog-admin pid-1556466247">![?]()
Archives
May 2007 ? p; June 2007 ? p; July 2007 ? p; August 2007? p; Septe? 2007